Dear Graduating Class of 2024

Congratulations, Class of 2024!  You got to start your journey during the Covid-19 pandemic of 2020, and now many of you are, or should be, ending it during the year democracy may die.  What is it with you?

Never mind that.  Think about this.....I've often said that all possible graduation commencement addresses may have already been given.

Think about the tens of thousands of speeches given every year by valedictorians and featured guests, over decades, and it's hard to believe every theme hasn't been covered.  I've been doing this annual post since 2012, and I'm not even going to pretend I haven't repeated a theme, or at least infiltrated one.

With that in mind, my advice to you this year will be an addendum of advice I gave from last year.  In 2023, I talked about how being 'woke' was generally a good thing, not a bad thing.

Which brings me to now, when we've seen small but noteworthy protests on college campuses over the Israel-Hamas war.  More specifically, the protests allege Palestinian genocide by Israel for its bombardment of Gaza, and ask for the war to end.  Some of the protests have not been peaceful, and have disrupted graduation ceremonies.

Look, it's good that you twenty-year-olds are so concerned about genocide that you'd want to actively protest about it, and bring awareness to an issue for which you care.  That's good woke.

However, it's dumb that some of you would protest in a way that threatens or physically harms people or property.  That's bad woke.

And to what end do you protest?  Once you've brought awareness to the issue, and maybe got the college trustees to meet about defunding some part of their endowment, you should declare victory and leave.  How does ruining graduation ceremonies for yourself or others advance your cause?

Also, let's face what should have been an obvious truth -- after graduation, when campuses empty out and there are no cameras to record you, the protests were going to end.  They would have ended soon anyway, as our very short American attention spans lost interest.

So to the Class of 2024 I say, choose your wokeness wisely.  There will be plenty of reasons to be offended in life.  If you're ignoring or amplifying all of them, you're doing it wrong.  

Dear Graduating Class of 2023

Welcome to this year's high school and college commencement address, an annual tradition since 2012.

Congratulations, Class of 2023!  You've reached the summit -- at least in terms of a simple and carefree life.  Now you have to go out there and fix things, er, I mean, change the world, and no amount of bingeing on food, beverages, or social media will accomplish that for you.

Let's face it, a lot of things need to be fixed / changed, so you have many choices.  I have one in mind today, something that requires no manual labor, so I consider it an excellent choice for you in which to ease into adult life....

There are fewer things more trite than to make a point by starting with the words, "The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines such-and-such as...."  But since it serves my needs I'm going to do it.  The word 'woke' is defined in that dictionary as “aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice).”  That dictionary also defines 'woke' as 'not sleeping', but let's explore that former definition for now.

A little more research will tell you the word 'woke' originated in African-American English in the 1940s and 50s, referring to being aware of instances where discrimination was happening, either covertly or overtly in the form of Jim Crow laws.  The word 'woke' was put back on the radar around 2014 as part of the Black Lives Matter movement.

But in less than a decade, political conservatives have turned 'woke' into a slang word, applying it to show disdain for anyone or anything opposing their views.  Their favorite targets these days include tried-and-true things like gun restrictions and climate change, but most recently have been focused on the LGBTQ+ community.  If a person or company shows support for them, they may well be ridiculed by being labeled 'woke'.

My fix / change for you is, go out into the world and embrace your woke-ness!  Now don't be offended.  I just gave you the actual definition -- it means you are aware of important facts and issues.  Why the hell did you spell all of that time in school if not to be aware of facts and issues?  I mean besides the parties.....

Being woke will be easy for you, too, it won't take much effort.  All you have to do is get your information from a wide variety of sources, right, left, and center, and make up your own mind.  Read. Listen. Watch.

Another way to put this is, under no circumstances should you let somebody else tell you what to be pissed about.  Others want you angry because that generates engagement which, thanks to the mighty social media algorithm, manifests itself in monetary revenue to those who espouse it.  Ignore them, and decide for yourself if you want to be pissed about something!

And while you're at it, you should make it a stretch goal to reclaim the word 'woke' as a non-pejorative.  It's bizarre that the far right has co-opted this word from black America to show contempt for other opinions.  Do they feel it would be better to be asleep instead of alert to the things happening around you?  Maybe you aren't the best audience to answer that question, since as students I know the value you put on sleep -- but you damn well know what I mean.

To recap for you graduates in a more understandable, abbreviated way:  Woke = good; extreme political views = bad; informed opinions = good; social media algorithms = bad; sleep = good at night and bad other times.

So to the Class of 2023.....WAKE UP and get out there.

Dear Graduating Class of 2022

After two years of restrictions, it seems we re-emerged to a more normal time of high school and college graduation ceremonies.  So without further adieu, time for my annual address:

To the graduating class of 2022,

So, did it seem normal?  Your senior year, I mean.

The last two graduating classes had their senior years ruined, or at least interrupted, by a pandemic.  Yours was more like the pre-pandemic days, with the possible exception of having to wear a piece of cloth over your face from time-to-time. (But curiously, not when you were jammed together at extra-curricular school activities.)

If it did seem normal, I hope you enjoyed it, because if you're doing it right, that should be the end of your 'normal' for a very long time.  You'll either be going to a different school or starting a job.  Either way, the salad days of letting your family take care of you are over.

I had to say should be over, because these days, a great many of you will still be living with your family.  I'm well aware of the reasons why -- too many expenses, not enough income, blah blah blah.  These are things you could have mitigated with a little planning and grit.  And perhaps one more thing.....a better job by your family.

Yep, if you aren't ready to graduate, I want to say that's all on you, but I can't do that anymore.  There are too many complicit parents / families who are more than willing to let you stay at home for as long as you want, with virtually no accountability from you.  It's beyond weird that this happens, but it's almost become routine, and the pandemic made it even worse.

So you're probably asking, why should I make life hard on myself when I can live at home with free room and board and car and laundry service and probably much more?

I have one good answer -- because you're missing out on the prime fun years of your life!  That bulletproof age that exists around your early twenties, when you're young and can be both responsible and irresponsible at the same time.  You aren't going to get the most out of that by living at home.

Go to college.  Get a job.  Find roommates, or for that matter, just a mate.  But for the love of god, don't let your family allow you to stay in the same house where you grew up.

Don't let that be your normal.

Dear Graduating Class of 2021

Another crazy, pandemic-altered scholastic year in the books.  One thing still the same, however, is my annual message to graduates.....

To the graduating class of 2021,

Wow, what a final year of school that was, huh?!  You probably spent more of it learning online than in a classroom or lecture hall, depending on whether you lived in a 'red' state or a 'blue' state.  (You'll learn more about the color of states one day, as we run up to the second civil war.)

Was the year really so bad?  For you and for your parents, yes, yes it was.  Regardless of whether you were in high school or college, not being able to fully enjoy all of the curricular and extra curricular of that senior year had to suck.

On the other hand, your sacrifice, such as it was, allowed academic society to function during a pandemic in a way that didn't endanger more lives.  You aren't getting a medal for that, and not many will remember how your senior year was less than it should have been because of it.

Which brings me to my main message -- get used to it.  Meaning get used to not being praised, much less rewarded, for making sacrifices.

This is going to be a theme for most of your life.  Your work bosses are going to take the praise you want, and give the grief you don't want.  That's also going to suck, but like the pandemic, it also won't last.

If you keep your nose to the grindstone and work hard, you'll eventually be noticed and get what's coming to you.  And another silver lining is, you now have a headstart on how to excel by working remotely, the new way of the future.

Let me put it into a different perspective:  The generations before you also had to make sacrifices that ruined their senior years.  These included things like living through -- and being victims of -- race oppression, economic depression, and war.  Imagine having to go overseas to dodge bullets instead of going to homecoming dances or kegger parties.

Unfortunately, those real, major sacrifices didn't garner them the praise they deserved either.  (Some of them did get medals, like purple hearts, if you consider that an acceptable reward for being hurt, or losing a limb.)

So, Buck Up, Class of 2021!  You got the shaft, similar to the Class of 2020, but at least you got a graduation ceremony.  And it doesn't give you permission to live in your parents' basement forever.

The Stages Of Grief For Celebrations

One of the first college classes I took was Intro to Psychology.  It's the kind of basic class you want to take if you have an undeclared major or an elective to fill, which is probably why it was mainly filled with freshmen and seniors.

It was an easy class, generally only requiring memorization for success, but it's surprising how much of it I still remember.  One of those things is the psychological stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

[Technically, these were identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as the stages of grief for the terminally ill in her book On Death and Dying (yes, I even remember that!) but over time they've been attributed to more than just terminal illness.]

I've often applied these stages of grief to other things.  I once did an entire presentation to a large group about the years-long need for additional financing for a project, and I used the stages of grief as a simile of sorts.  I suggested that in the past year, some in the room had moved from denial to anger to bargaining, but most hadn't yet made it to depression much less acceptance.  So I told them I was taking it upon myself to depress them that day as much as possible so they'd get to acceptance faster.

Recently, I've been applying the stages of grief to how people are treating aspects of the COVID-19 pandemic.  For example, we've got an executive branch of federal government that denied it, then got angry as it happened, and is so corrupt that it will never get beyond bargaining over it while people die.

However, it's particularly applicable to those who have/had planned gatherings of many people, whether it be graduation parties, baby showers, or weddings.  First, there's a denial that the event can't happen.  Then anger about how a rare pandemic could get in the way.  Then there's the stage most are in, which is bargaining for a way to still make the event happen against needlessly exposing guests to the virus.  Of course, this also includes bargaining with vendors over monetary deposits that may have been made.

Not everyone has managed to get through to the depression stage, and then ultimate acceptance that the event either isn't going to happen, or won't be happening anywhere close to the original plan.  And not all of those who've managed to make it to acceptance are done; those proceeding with alternate plans are finding themselves right back at denial when those revised arrangements are also partly stymied.

It's a terrible year to have planned for any type of celebration, much less to try to execute said celebration.  I'm glad I'm not in that group, but if I was, I'd try to get through the stages of grief as soon as possible.

Dear Graduating Class of 2020

Although it may be the most difficult time to be a high school or college graduate EVER, those kids still expect some words of wisdom, as in past years.  Let's get to it.....

To the hard-luck graduates of 2020:

This must really suck.

It’s hard to imagine how it could be worse than ‘right now’ for a high school or college graduate, during the COVID-19 pandemic.  Not being able to make memories from that last month or so in school?  Not being able to enjoy all of the traditions and hijinks of those final days of classes?  Not being involved in all of the pomp and circumstance of graduation week?   Not being able to have all that attention from friends and relatives at graduation ceremonies and parties, nor collecting the graduation presents?

This must really suck bad.

And there’s no getting it back, either.  Oh sure, you might eventually have a ceremony of some sort.  And you’ll probably get those graduation gifts down the road.  But all of the fun – that’s just gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

This must really, really suck bad.

To make matters worse (especially if you’re a college graduate), you’re entering in to the worst job market of the past 90 years.  Frankly, unless you have mad skills at developing pharmaceuticals for treating or curing viruses, there isn’t much out there for you right now – unless your life’s goal is to work in an on-line shopping fulfillment warehouse, a fast food restaurant, or a slaughterhouse.

This s-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-c-k-s.

Can anything be salvaged from this incredible misfortune to make you feel better?  Sure, there are lots of things that might perk you up.  For example, since you’ll either be unemployed or taking online college classes or both, your parents are a lot more likely to let you save money by living with them rent free.  (Actually, I could only think of that one thing, and it has as many downsides as upsides.)

Let’s face it, Class of 2020 – you’ve drawn the short straw.  Civilization, with an assist from national governments, has failed you.  You only have one option:  Determination.

Put your mind to it, and you’re going to get through this, along with the knowledge that you can succeed even when starting from one of the lowest points in United States history.  That’s a great rallying point, assuming you don’t use it to start a second Civil War, and further assuming we still have a functioning society.

Years from now, you aren’t going to be that upset about the events that didn’t occur, but you might be upset that you didn’t use the events that did occur as a springboard for what might have been.

Dear Graduating Class of 2019

It's time to give some more life advice to the early-twenty-somethings out there with brand new college diplomas.....

To the graduates of 2019:

It's probably difficult for you to go a day without seeing a news story about the crushing amount of college debt that most of you now have.  I can think of two exceptions to this: Some of you were lucky enough to have had your college paid for you by a parent or other family member or scholarship, while some others simply never read the news.

For many of you -- not all, but many -- there's a good chance that the main reason for this debt is you.  You probably could have studied harder in high school, creating a better chance for scholarships.  You probably could have studied harder in college, and completed it sooner.

Try not to ponder why you have this debt.  Your generation isn't about to blame yourselves for your own (in)actions anyway.  Better to focus on how to eliminate it.  I'm here to help.

1)  Get a job and start making money.  Any job.  No waiting for the job you want.  Listen to my (stolen) old saying:  If you wait to take the job you love, you'll never work a day in your life, because you are never getting that job.

2)  Work hard, and keep working hard.  Find a way to be indispensable, and you'll be fine.

3)  Stop spending money you don't have.  This may be a hard habit to break, because it's essentially what you've been doing throughout college to create the debt you have.  The living-on-credit monster doesn't need to be fed, it needs to be starved.

4)  Don't worry about saving for retirement now.  There are financial advisors out there who will try to convince you that saving now means you won't have to save as much later, which is true.  But it's also stupid, because eliminating high-interest debt is more important, and gives you more bang for the buck.  Also, let this be your first lesson that advisors mostly only care about giving advice that makes money for themselves.

5)  Repeat.

That's it!  You'll have your college debt paid off in no time, and have learned good life-long habits.  Of course, one alternative to all of this is to move back in with your parents.  Don't do it.

Dear Graduating Class of 2018

Another school year ends, another commencement-style address begins:

To the college graduates of 2018:

Are you paying attention?

Not to me, not to any words of wisdom you might get from thousands of different college commencement address speakers.  Are you paying attention to what's going on in America?  To what's going on in the world?

Paying attention to civilization is the most important thing you should be doing now.  I know, it wasn't your strong suit the past several years.  You did enough to get your degree, but listening to long, boring lectures doesn't lend itself to paying attention.  For anyone.

If paying attention hasn't been your thing the past four (five? six?) years, it needs to be now.  Bad stuff is happening.  Stuff that has the potential to make your future miserable.  I'm not just referring to your job future, but your future of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Through a mixture of inattentiveness, conniver-y, and outright lying, certain individuals have been given power that far exceeds their ethical and moral capacity to handle it.  This has led to them placing other ethically- and morally- challenged people in powerful posts.

The not-so-surprising result is a government that isn't actually working for the people.  It's only working for, well, let's just say your chances of success are currently for less dependent on whether you have a college degree and for more on whether you are a white, heterosexual, Christian male.

Are you paying attention now?

The way to fix our broken government is to know what's going on.  The best way to know what's going on is to stay abreast of current events, and I don't mean by keeping up with your Instagram or Twitter feeds.  That isn't nearly good enough.

Watch the news, nationally and locally, and preferably on more than one channel.  Read a bunch of different papers, articles, and books.  Talk to a lot of people, and not just to your friends, who probably already think the same way as you do, or they wouldn't be your friends.

Show a little bit of passion for having a government and political system that works the right way, under the rule of law  -- after all, you're paying for it, even if you don't have a job.  Then, when election day rolls around, vote.

Pay attention!

Oh, and congratulations.

Dear Graduating Class of 2017

It's time for another edition of giving my latest advice to graduating seniors.  I'm sticking with college graduates again this year, for reasons which I outlined last year.

To the college graduates of 2017:

You're facing a tough situation.  The good times are over, your future job prospects aren't great, and our nation's social and political environment has never been more toxic.  Oh, and for some of you, you're student loan debt may be brutally high.

Start with this:  As soon as possible, forget about your college degree.  Once you have a job, your employer won't care about your grades, or where you attended school, or where you spent your summers volunteering for some social good.  All your employer will care about is whether you can add more value than you cost, and if you can, they win again by looking good for hiring you.  Everything else is pretend.

So forget being a college graduate..... but don't forget to live like a college student for as long as possible.  There’s no need, nor should you have any expectation, to live in a nice place the first five or so years post-college.  Instead, try to live like you did in college, by living sparsely with or without roommates.  (So don't move into your parents basement!  Did your parents live with you in college?)

And ignore any peers who you may soon start to see driving expensive cars, and purchasing nice homes. It should be obvious to a college-educated person such as yourself that they're doing this with the parents' money.  Look at it this way -- if your parents are still changing your diapers at 25, that doesn't make you a success.

Last but not least, tackle this tough situation with toughness -- show some grit.  Seriously.  You can start by watching this brief TED Talk by a researcher named Angela Duckworth, who has spent a considerable portion of her life studying how 'grit' leads to success.

Oh, and congratulations.

Dear Graduating Class of 2016

So ends another school year, and so begins another attempt at imparting wisdom upon this year’s graduates.  In the past, I’ve sometimes had messages for both high school and college graduates.   I’m going to ignore the scholastic grads this year, maybe from this point forward.  18-year-olds are so brainwashed from living in the same social-political-economic environment their whole lives, I don’t see how they can process an outsider’s advice anyway, much less execute it.  But college grads – they have no excuse.

So to the college graduates of 2016:

Let me start by saying that I’m withholding my congratulations.  Oh sure, you may have done enough to get your degree, but what’s the accomplishment in that?  I've previously chided the act of celebrating high school diplomas, and as for you, was there ever a doubt that with enough time and money, you would eventually graduate?

Let’s get real.  With apologies to the rocket scientists out there, getting a college degree isn’t rocket science.  Heck, you didn’t even need to GO to college to get a degree.  Thanks to technology, not to mention lower standards, you can get a degree on-line for the most part.  If it was going to take a massive effort to get degree, you probably wouldn’t have gone to college in the first place.

As for what's next, like I've said to your predecessors, if you haven't figured that out yet, you've already made your first real-life screw up.  That's what the last 4 or 5 or 5+ years were for.  If that's you, then you're probably headed back to live in your all-too-willing parents' basement for an undisclosed period of time.  So much for repeating my best advice from last year to “go out there and try to never move back in with your parents!"

However, regardless of whether you are unemployed and living with your parents, or you are planning to travel the world and live day-by-day, or you actually have a job, there are still important things you now must do.  Be responsible.  Be accountable.  Be socially aware.  Have an opinion.  Have a sense of humor.  Improve yourself.  Positively influence those around you.

Most of all, figure out a way to contribute to the betterment of society -- it's not so hard.  For some of you that might mean staying in your parents basement, so if that's what you were going for, it all worked out.

Dear Graduating Class of 2015

If it's the latter part of May, it's again time for my annual advice to graduating seniors.  I have both a college undergraduate and graduate student this year, so I'm going to say it with more meaning.

This year, I only want you to remember three things:

Challenge authority -- sometimes.  You've probably been taught to respect authority, and that's what you should do.  However, the racial tensions we're seeing now related to police actions against black citizens ought be enough to keep you from respecting authority without question.  The best way for anyone to avoid confrontations with authority is to follow the rules/laws.  Having said that, remember that absolute power corrupts absolutely.  To borrow half of a phrase from the late Ronald Reagan, respect, but verify.

Challenge religion -- mostly.  You've probably also been taught to be a God-fearing Christian, or Muslim, or Jew, or some other religion (but probably Christian).  There is more good about that than there is bad.  However, you should be wary of organized religion -- the kind that people use to justify all sorts of crazy, damaging ideas and actions.  Do you really want to live your entire secular life based on the rigid, non-secular, white-male interpretations of scripture supposedly written over 2000 years ago?  Instead, remember the words of Galileo Galilei: "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."

Challenge group-think -- always.  If too many people think the same thing, and those people only talk to each other, they think everybody agrees with them.  What other excuse is there for all of the far right candidates running for the 2016 republican presidential nomination, most of whom have no more chance than I do of becoming president?  On a related note, this is an overarching problem with all of today's politicians, who lack the courage and/or conviction to take a stance contrary to that of the dogma of their own political party.  You would do well to always remember the old saying, "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

Now, go out there and try to never move back in with your parents!

Post #300

This is my 300th blog post since I started it around six years ago.  As with post #200, let's take a look at some of what I wrote about over the past 100 posts spanning about two years:

I wrote with more practical, real life advice for high school and college graduates.

I wrote about a variety of investment issues, client-approved of course.

I wrote about how a political lackey masquerading as a university president ended VEISHEA.

I wrote more about the best songwriters and lyrics from yesteryear.

I wrote about how pop culture should start ignoring Lolo Jones, well before pop culture came to the same conclusion.

I wrote about major cities I visited.

I wrote more about taxpayers getting fleeced, and the primary non-profit fleecers.

I wrote about how medical doctors are self-centered, not patient-centered.

I wrote about what turning 50 years old meant to me, in a mostly non-philosophical way.

I wrote about a variety of ways that people / politicians / governments refuse to accept the evolution of social issues, such as how dumb it is to oppose both medical marijuana and decriminalization of marijuana, and how dumb it is to allow 2,000+ year-old religious doctrine control all of their secular decisions.

I wrote a little bit about a lot of other things, all in the name of getting things off my mind.

Dear Graduating Class of 2014

Time for my annual advice to graduating seniors.  I'm going to once again concentrate on college-level seniors, but to high school graduates I have this reminder:  You haven't accomplished anything.  According to the census bureau, nearly 90% of U.S. citizens over age 25 have a high school education.  Congrats for not being the 1 out of 10, if it makes you feel better.  You know those graduation parties your parents threw to celebrate?  Those weren't actually for you, they were for your parents and other relatives, who survived your vain teenage years.  Call me in five years and we can talk about your accomplishments, if any.

As for our college graduates, I've decided I may have been too hard on you the past couple of years.  If you've got a bachelor's degree but no job or plans for independent living, you may not be entirely to blame.  It's clear there is another culprit, and I'm not referring to the economy.  It's your parents.

That's right, your parents are at least partially to blame for your troubles.  The children of the so-called 'greatest generation' have become the greatest coddlers.

You'd think that after hearing about our own parents winning World War II, then partaking in a mechanical and transportation revolution that put hard work at a premium, we would teach that same toughness and work ethic to our kids.  Instead, we've gone the other way.  We've excused your (in)actions, and often allowed you too much slack during college, where many of you now don't even attempt to find a full-time job until after graduation.

And there's no pressure to find a job, because we parents will do you graduates an even greater disservice by acting like we're your best friends.  We bring you back in to room with us while you consume without cost or limit, halfheartedly looking for full-time work during the day while wholeheartedly going out with your other unemployed friends at night.  Of course, you'll accept this offer -- why not?  It isn't as if you have anything else to do.

This seems especially crazy to me, because when your parents were your age, moving back in with their parents would have been less than a last resort.  Back then, college grads found a cheap apartment, a roommate (or two), a jalopy car, and a so-so job -- whatever it took to remain independent.  Have you become so lazy and reliant on your parents' money that you aren't willing to do these things?  For many of you, the answer is yes.

In summary, at your age, your grandparents were fighting a war, and your parents were on their own, possibly even married with children.  Most of you graduates are about as far from that as you can be.  So much for learning what you live.

So, it's up to you, graduates.  Your parents have sold out to be your friends.  Your friends have sold out to be your enablers.  Unless you have a trust fund, you're going to have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps (have your parents tie them first), and self-start your way out into the big world.

Good luck.  And remember, in the immortal words of Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "The world needs ditch-diggers, too."

Dear Graduating Class of 2013

I enjoyed writing last year's entry so much, it's now time for an updated version of my advice to this year's graduating class.  I'm going to stick with just college graduates this year, not only because one of my kids was one, but also since I don't think I can improve on my 2012 commencement message to high school graduates.

To make this year's message more universal, and in keeping with the educational theme, I'm going to make it multiple choice:

To the College Graduates of 2013:

Congratulations - [you / your parents / your banker] did it.  After [ 4 / 5 / 5+] years of [matriculation / partying / sleepwalking] , not to mention tens of thousands of [dollars / beers / hours of sleep] you have a degree.

You probably feel [good / great / overjoyed] about this accomplishment, and if you have a full-time job or have been accepted to graduate school, you should feel good.  But not too good, because now you still have to prove yourself to the [corporate / non-profit / academic] world.

On the other hand, if you have neither job prospects nor grad school plans, what the hell are you feeling good about?  You're over 22 years old, and you're likely going to be living with your [sibling / parents / 5 other unemployed friends].  Your life isn't getting better, it's getting [much / tons / overwhelmingly] worse.

Graduates, no matter what your plans are, it's time to take control of your own [life / bank account / destiny].  For some of you, this mean's you'll get to enjoy all of the [spoils / money / success] that capitalism has to offer. Unfortunately for the rest of you, this means a [low paying / hard labor / service industry] job, because you waited until now to take the controls.

Good luck, and above all, remember this:  You can't depend on [parents / government / wealthy friends] to get by forever.

Dear Graduating Class of 2012

To High School Graduates of 2012:

Congratulations on what is probably the greatest accomplishment of your life so far. Now the bad news - it doesn't really matter.

If you are/were a slacker up to now, you probably feel like you got over, and in some sense that's true.  The thing of it is, you'd have to be a complete moron, or maybe a criminal, not to get a diploma with the sorry state of public schooling these days. Plus, now you're just going to continue being a slacker, so what did you really get over on? But thank you for your lack of effort anyway, because I'm always going to need people willing and only able to work in the service industry to take care of me.

If you are/were not a slacker up to now, good for you, it might have helped you get a college scholarship and made your family proud.  Unfortunately, as of this moment, you are no farther ahead in life than the slacker to which I just referred.  All that work took you to the same piece of paper that the lazy students got.  Sucks, doesn't it? The good news is, you have a better future ahead, and from here you are going to very quickly improve your chances of future prosperity over the slacker.

To College Graduates of 2012:

Congratulations on what is probably the greatest accomplishment of your life so far. Now the bad news - it's time to grow up.

What the hell is the matter with your generation?  Not so long ago, going to college meant you had four years to develop a certain set of intellectual skills, and upon your graduation you already had a job and/or post-graduate school lined up to begin a couple of weeks later.  Now more often than not, you take more than four years to get an undergraduate degree, and you have a 'now what?' look on your face as you walk across the stage, and you move back home.

Gimme a break.  What were you doing during your last year of college?  You had tons of time to complete or apply for internships, and interview for and land an actual job.  I don't know you, but I know the probability is high that you didn't put a whole lot of time into it.

And don't give me the old 'tough job market' excuses.  I know, I know, the Great Recession is making it tough on college graduates - that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  It means you need to try harder.

Also, try expanding your job horizons already.  It's a big country out there, you don't need to limit your search to the city/state in which you grew up.  This may come as a surprise to you, but that was kind of part of going to college, realizing it's a big world of other people and opportunities out there.

I don't entirely blame you.  I also blame your parents.  Apparently, they want you to have an option that they didn't have, meaning moving back home and allowing you to indefinitely leech off of them.  Fortunately for you, my generation has decided they would rather be your adult friends instead of being your parents.

It's hard not to take advantage of this invitation to slacker-ville, no doubt.  Just be accountable, OK?  If you have a new degree but no job, it's probably your fault.  Your parents want you succeed, and they may give you a place to avoid the big, bad world for a while, but don't get used to taking advantage of it.

Which brings me to my quick and opposite advice:  It's a big, bad world out there. Get used to it.

The Graduating Hangover of 2011

Over the past week, I've been planning and attending events related to a child's high school graduation. My observations:

* High school graduation is second only to weddings when it comes to transferring wealth from middle-aged people to the younger generation, roughly twenty dollars at a time.

* The graduation cermony is too long. In this age of technology, we still haven't come up with a better method than waiting an hour while hundreds of kids listen to speeches and then walk across a stage for a fleeting five seconds of attention? There has to be an app to speed this up.

* After attending multiple graduation parties with the same invited guests, it's a challege to come up with new discussion topics. Did we comment on college plans? Check. Food served? Check. Venue? Check. Well, let's go to the next party and do that again!

* When all is said and done, high school graduation equalizes things. Everybody has the same piece of parchment, the high school diploma, and the best student is effectively no better off than the worst. It's really a minor step for most. As I've often told my kids, only now will knowledge and effort really matter.

Dear Graduating Class of 2010

Among the great mysteries of our day is, how come I've never been invited to give a commencement address? I think I'd be very good at it.

Alas, it appears this will remain on my bucket list for another year. In the meantime, what follows is an excerpt from a commencement speech given by Stephen Colbert to Knox College in 2006. I couldn't have said it better myself, and besides, I didn't need to:

Today is about you — you who have worked so hard to pack your heads with learning until your skulls are all plump like a sausage of knowledge. It's an apt metaphor, don't question it. But now your time at college is at an end. Now you are leaving here. And this leads me to a question that just isn't asked enough at commencements. Why are you leaving here?

This seems like a very nice place. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club.

There are so many challenges facing this next generation, and I don't know if you're tough enough to handle this. You are the most coddled generation in history. I belong to the last generation that did not have to be in a car seat. You had to be in car seats. I did not have to wear a helmet when I rode my bike. You do. You have to wear helmets when you go swimming, right? In case you bump your head against the side of the pool?

But you seem nice enough, so I'll try to give you some advice. First of all, when you go to apply for your first job, don't wear those robes. Medieval garb does not instill confidence in future employers — unless you're applying to be a scrivener.

And if someone does offer you a job, say yes. You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.