Golf Season (At Bushwood)

Now that it's October, and the days are getting colder and darker, any round of golf I play may be the last one of 2015.  Here's a summary of the beginning and end of most rounds I played with my buddies, using scenes from Caddyshack:

On the first tee

Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

[Swings club, slices ball into woods]

Judge Smails: Damn!

Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.

Judge Smails: I owe you nothing!

At the 19th hole

Bartender: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.

Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency…..

Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.

Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes!

Bishop: There is no God.....

Dear Graduating Class of 2014

Time for my annual advice to graduating seniors.  I'm going to once again concentrate on college-level seniors, but to high school graduates I have this reminder:  You haven't accomplished anything.  According to the census bureau, nearly 90% of U.S. citizens over age 25 have a high school education.  Congrats for not being the 1 out of 10, if it makes you feel better.  You know those graduation parties your parents threw to celebrate?  Those weren't actually for you, they were for your parents and other relatives, who survived your vain teenage years.  Call me in five years and we can talk about your accomplishments, if any.

As for our college graduates, I've decided I may have been too hard on you the past couple of years.  If you've got a bachelor's degree but no job or plans for independent living, you may not be entirely to blame.  It's clear there is another culprit, and I'm not referring to the economy.  It's your parents.

That's right, your parents are at least partially to blame for your troubles.  The children of the so-called 'greatest generation' have become the greatest coddlers.

You'd think that after hearing about our own parents winning World War II, then partaking in a mechanical and transportation revolution that put hard work at a premium, we would teach that same toughness and work ethic to our kids.  Instead, we've gone the other way.  We've excused your (in)actions, and often allowed you too much slack during college, where many of you now don't even attempt to find a full-time job until after graduation.

And there's no pressure to find a job, because we parents will do you graduates an even greater disservice by acting like we're your best friends.  We bring you back in to room with us while you consume without cost or limit, halfheartedly looking for full-time work during the day while wholeheartedly going out with your other unemployed friends at night.  Of course, you'll accept this offer -- why not?  It isn't as if you have anything else to do.

This seems especially crazy to me, because when your parents were your age, moving back in with their parents would have been less than a last resort.  Back then, college grads found a cheap apartment, a roommate (or two), a jalopy car, and a so-so job -- whatever it took to remain independent.  Have you become so lazy and reliant on your parents' money that you aren't willing to do these things?  For many of you, the answer is yes.

In summary, at your age, your grandparents were fighting a war, and your parents were on their own, possibly even married with children.  Most of you graduates are about as far from that as you can be.  So much for learning what you live.

So, it's up to you, graduates.  Your parents have sold out to be your friends.  Your friends have sold out to be your enablers.  Unless you have a trust fund, you're going to have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps (have your parents tie them first), and self-start your way out into the big world.

Good luck.  And remember, in the immortal words of Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "The world needs ditch-diggers, too."

That's A Peach, Hon!

This weekend's stop on the PGA Tour was The AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. That's the only  tournament where a national TV audience can watch a bunch of amateurs play alongside the pros, at one of golf's most beautiful and famous venues, no less.

Some of the amateurs are decent, but watching them this weekend I could only think of the following scene from Caddyshack:

Tony D'Annunzio: [caddying for the elderly Havercamps... to Mrs. Havercamp] Your ball's right over there, go straight.  You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp... Mrs. Haver... Mrs. Havercamp... you'll need this.  [hands her her club]

Mrs. Havercamp: Oh, I might at that!

Tony D'Annunzio: Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir.  [Havercamp puts hand out for club, Tony hands it to him as he attempts to shoot away from the green]  No... Mr. Havercamp.  The green's right over there, sir.

Mrs. Havercamp: [knocking ball into the pond]  Whee!

Mr. Havercamp: That's a peach, hon! Oh, by golly... I'm hot today!  [he slices it and it barely misses Tony's head]

You must Google the scene for the full effect!

Golf Is Good

The U.S. Open Golf Championship is this weekend.  As a golfer, this is pretty much a must-see-TV event me, as is The Masters and the other so-called 'major' tournaments.

That surely sounds incredibly boring to those who don't care about golf.  Too bad for them.  The fact is, people of all ages who don't care about it are missing out, big time.

Let's just summarize a few of the reasons that golf is the greatest sport ever invented:

• It's a life-long sport.  It can be played at any age, and you don't need to be in peak physical condition to enjoy playing it.  Even older and disabled people can play it, because it doesn't require absolute physical strength and agility (although that helps).

• It's never the same.  Unlike the uniform conditions for indoor sports, in golf every hole on every course is different, and the weather elements are always a factor.

• It's got competitive equilibrium.  With its handicap, slope, and course rating systems, any two people can play on any given course in an even game.  No other sport can consistently and accurately do this, which is totally awesome!

• It's incredibly challenging, requiring as much mental as physical skill.  But still so damn much fun.

And lastly.....Caddyshack!

What You Said / What I Heard On The Bike

For over ten years now, my primary mode of exercise has been cycling.  My slowly-breaking down body won't let me run, and anyway, the time goes by fast when traveling the roads and trails to see things from a different perspective.

Not everyone likes to bike, however, and even fewer seem to like the idea of sharing the road when they're driving past bikers.  Most of the time, this manifests itself by a car passenger either gesturing or yelling or both at me in an unkind manner.  This frankly doesn't happen that often, maybe once in every 15 road rides.

Which brings me to the MLK holiday, when a near 50 degree dry winter day allowed me to bike outdoors rather than on an indoor trainer.  Near the end of that ride, I'm cruising along a suburban street - mind you this is a 4-lane street, one with plenty of room for bikes and vehicles to peacefully coexist.  Next thing I know, a beat-up mid-sized car drives by, both windows down, and the lone passenger in the front seat yells something to the effect of, "Effing bikers, use the effing sidewalk!"

Let's deconstruct this message using a technique I refer to as 'What you said / What I heard."  Based on all of the elements of the story I've mentioned, and adding a few basic societal assumptions, here's what I heard:

"Me and my twenty-something year old buddy don't have anything to do today.  Not because it's a federal holiday, but because we're too lazy and/or stupid to have or even look for a job.  So after waking up at our respective moms' houses just before noon and playing Xbox for a couple of hours, we decided to go cruise the streets of Des Moines looking for trouble.  Can't really do anything else since neither of us has any money, and because we already used the collective $10 our moms gave us to buy cigarettes.  That's why we have the windows open in the car you know, even though it's less than 50 degrees out and we're freezing our asses off.  I mean, we don't want our cigarette smoke to ruin the resale value of my mom's borrowed 1987 Chevy sedan.  Anyway, I'm going to yell at this biker up here, because I'm dumb, lazy, out of shape, and my life is so miserable that it will somehow make me feel better."

And that's just what I thought I heard in the few seconds after this happened!  You can only imagine how much more there is to the truth.

In conclusion, I'd just like to generally say that when I'm on my bike on the road, I do my best to let vehicles get by easily.  After all, I know who wins in the car versus biker accident.  In the meantime, you don't need to yell at me, you'll be able to get where you're going just fine.

I'd also like to specifically say to the two losers in that car from my story, don't worry, things will get better.  Just remember the sage words of Judge Smails from the movie Caddyshack: "Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too!"

The Empty Nest

Our last child went off to college this past week.  We've taken kids to college enough that most of it was decidedly routine - pack to leave, drive there, unpack, offer my standard reminder about how there are a lot of people in the world that aren't so nice, tell them to keep their name out of the newspaper, and say good-bye.

What was decidedly unroutine about it, however, was arriving back at home to accept the new reality of an empty nest.  The house that was once just big enough is now bigger and quieter than it was meant to be.  It's hard to comprehend how it got to be like that.

To help cope with the unofficial end to two decades of child-raising, I keep reminding myself about what a success it has been.  My kids are the best.  There is absolutely no doubt that they are going to make major positive contributions to society.  As far as parenting goes, something must have been done right.

One emotion that I didn't expect to have is that of feeling abandoned.  The past 23 years have been spent raising children into adults who are going to improve civilization.  This has been done with a fair amount of personal and financial sacrifice - I mean, time and money could have been spent on other things.  So now, civilization, where is my parade?  In the words of Carl Spackler of Caddyshack, "How about a little something, you know, for the effort!?"

One other thing I'm getting used to is the time.  It suddenly seems like there's a lot more time to do things.  I suppose this is because there just isn't as much to occupy my mind without kids around.  This is something I didn't really expect, but frankly, it's also something it won't take me long to get used to.

Post #100

When TV shows reach their 100th episode, they usually have a retrospective show that replays some memorable clips. Since this is my 100th blog post, it seems a good time for a retrospective of some of the themes of this blog.

Let's start with this one, from Post #1 on July 26, 2009: "Too many people simply believe what others tell them, with the unfortunate consequence of allowing those who control the message to also control them.....Think about it, then make up your own mind."

Since then, I've tried to get you to think about how taxes, obesity, commissions, and political parties and fringe politicians are bad. On the other hand, medicinal marijuana, some lyrics, fee-based advice, and Caddyshack are good.

Speaking of Caddyshack - in honor not only of the 100th post, but of this weekend's 75th Masters golf tounament, here's my post from February 3, 2010: [standing in an ornamental flowerbed] What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think... [swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that! The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild...for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [swings, pulverizes another flower] That's...oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion... [swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Here's to the next 100 posts!

Movies That Should Have Won The Oscar

The 2011 Academy Awards are being presented this weekend. This year I've actually seen several of the nominees for best picture, so I might even try to watch the show.

This has me thinking about all of the movies I consider to be great, but didn't win the Oscar or even get nominated. In other words, they aren't dramas. Here my top 5 without thinking about it too much.

Caddyshack. More memorable characters and one-liners than any movie in history.

Airplane! A movie way ahead of its time.

When Harry Met Sally. Maybe the best romantic-comedy ever. Meg Ryan deserved an Oscar just for her fake orgasm scene.

Bull Durham. Also maybe the best romantic-comedy ever. It even had the benefit of having a sports-related theme.

School Of Rock. Fantastic acting by Jack Black. Although he probably wasn't acting that much.

Plenty of animated movies come to mind as well. Many of the Pixar movies are great, including any of the Toy Story movies - although this last one actually was nominated for best movie!

Looking Like An Animal

In honor of golf season, I bring you more quotes from greenskeeper Carl Spackler:

"I have to laugh, because I've outfinessed myself. My foe, my enemy, is an animal. And in order to conquer an animal, I have to think like an animal, and, whenever possible, to look like one."

"This [grass] is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus belt that night on this stuff."

The Cinderella Story

[standing in an ornamental flowerbed]
What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack at Augusta. He's at the final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think...

[swings, pulverizes a flower]
Oh, he got all of that! The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild...for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5-iron, it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing...

[swings, pulverizes another flower]
That's...oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8-iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now about to become the Masters champion...

[swings, pulverizes yet another flower]
It looks like a mirac- it's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Not Golfers, You Great Fool! Gophers!

Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the golf course!

Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...

Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The little...brown...furry...rodents!

Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!

And later.....

Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.

So I Got That Goin' For Me, Which Is Nice

My current work/life attitude is best summarized in the immortal words of Carl Spackler from the greatest movie of all-time, Caddyshack: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald....striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama, long – into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga....gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth, and he's gonna stiff me! And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.