Dear Lord Baby Jesus

 A new NASCAR (stock car racing) season began about a month ago.  This is something I generally don't care about, along with IndyCar or Formula 1 or any other auto racing.  Just not my thing.

However, it did remind me of one of my all-time favorite movies, Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby.  It includes one of my all-time favorite movie scenes, with Ricky Bobby's family and best friend Cal gathered around a table to eat.  It goes on for a long time, ranging from saying grace to children verbally ridiculing adults.

That doesn't sound funny, but it is. Here's just the script for the saying grace part.....

Carley: Supper's ready! Come on, y'all!  I've been slaving over this for hours!

Ricky Bobby (RB): Dear Lord baby Jesus...or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus...we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC...and the always delicious Taco Bell.  I just want to take time to say thank you for my family...my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons...Walker and Texas Ranger...or T.R., as we call him...and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...who is a stone-cold fox.  Also wanna thank you for my best friend, Cal Naughton Jr...who's got my back no matter what.

RB and Cal: Shake and Bake.

RB: Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers...to heal him and his horrible leg. And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it. Dear tiny infant Jesus, we...

Carley: Hey, you know, sweetie...Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him "baby." It's odd and off-putting to pray to a baby.

RB: Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace. When you say grace, say it to grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...bearded Jesus, whoever you want.

Carley: You know what I want? I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow.

RB: Dear tiny Jesus...in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...pawing at the air...

Chip: He was a man. He had a beard.

RB: Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me? I win the races and I get the money.

Carley: Ricky, finish the damn grace.

Cal: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt...because it says, like, "I wanna be formal...but I'm here to party too." Because I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party. I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai. I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings. And singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd...with, like, a angel band. And I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk.

Carley: Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?

Cal: Yes, ma'am.

RB: Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus...don't even know a word yet...just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent...we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 million dollars...

Carley: Love that money!

RB: …that I have accrued over this past season. Also, due to a binding endorsement contract...that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace...I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious...and it cools you off on a hot summer day. And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.  Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen.

All: Amen.

Cal: That was a hell of a grace, man.

Walker: You nailed that like a split hog!

RB: I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good.

Texas Ranger: Dad, you made that grace your bitch.

Golf Season (At Bushwood)

Now that it's October, and the days are getting colder and darker, any round of golf I play may be the last one of 2015.  Here's a summary of the beginning and end of most rounds I played with my buddies, using scenes from Caddyshack:

On the first tee

Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

[Swings club, slices ball into woods]

Judge Smails: Damn!

Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.

Judge Smails: I owe you nothing!

At the 19th hole

Bartender: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.

Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency…..

Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.

Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes!

Bishop: There is no God.....

That's A Peach, Hon!

This weekend's stop on the PGA Tour was The AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am. That's the only  tournament where a national TV audience can watch a bunch of amateurs play alongside the pros, at one of golf's most beautiful and famous venues, no less.

Some of the amateurs are decent, but watching them this weekend I could only think of the following scene from Caddyshack:

Tony D'Annunzio: [caddying for the elderly Havercamps... to Mrs. Havercamp] Your ball's right over there, go straight.  You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp... Mrs. Haver... Mrs. Havercamp... you'll need this.  [hands her her club]

Mrs. Havercamp: Oh, I might at that!

Tony D'Annunzio: Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir.  [Havercamp puts hand out for club, Tony hands it to him as he attempts to shoot away from the green]  No... Mr. Havercamp.  The green's right over there, sir.

Mrs. Havercamp: [knocking ball into the pond]  Whee!

Mr. Havercamp: That's a peach, hon! Oh, by golly... I'm hot today!  [he slices it and it barely misses Tony's head]

You must Google the scene for the full effect!

Movies That Should Have Won The Oscar

The 2011 Academy Awards are being presented this weekend. This year I've actually seen several of the nominees for best picture, so I might even try to watch the show.

This has me thinking about all of the movies I consider to be great, but didn't win the Oscar or even get nominated. In other words, they aren't dramas. Here my top 5 without thinking about it too much.

Caddyshack. More memorable characters and one-liners than any movie in history.

Airplane! A movie way ahead of its time.

When Harry Met Sally. Maybe the best romantic-comedy ever. Meg Ryan deserved an Oscar just for her fake orgasm scene.

Bull Durham. Also maybe the best romantic-comedy ever. It even had the benefit of having a sports-related theme.

School Of Rock. Fantastic acting by Jack Black. Although he probably wasn't acting that much.

Plenty of animated movies come to mind as well. Many of the Pixar movies are great, including any of the Toy Story movies - although this last one actually was nominated for best movie!

So I Got That Goin' For Me, Which Is Nice

My current work/life attitude is best summarized in the immortal words of Carl Spackler from the greatest movie of all-time, Caddyshack: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald....striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama, long – into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga....gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth, and he's gonna stiff me! And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.