A Tale Of Two Ceremonies

On a fairly regular basis these days, we hear about some new attempt at breaking a Guinness World Record.  It's typically something very odd and not at all useful, like the world's largest popcorn ball or the world's largest group hug.

With that in mind, I would now like to submit setting a new useless record earlier this month:  The first ever invited, attending guest at a gay wedding, a catholic priest ordination, and an interracial wedding, all within the span of seven days in the state of Iowa.  I have no proof, but I defy anyone to tell me it's been done before.

But this blog entry isn't going to be about setting records.  It's going to be about the gay wedding and the religious ordination, and the wild juxtaposition of those two events.

I don't want to spend the time or words to describe everything I saw and/or experienced at these occasions.  Instead, I'm going to break it down like this.....

Within a week's time, I attended two ceremonies.  I'd describe one of those ceremonies as joyful, colorful, and spontaneous.  The other I'd describe as subdued, dark, and ritualistic.

One of the ceremonies promoted working together as equals to create a better life.  The other ceremony literally called for the obedience of one party to another.

One of the ceremonies was a manifestation of newer civil rights in America.  The other ceremony went out of its way to applaud the recent elimination of long-standing civil rights.

One of the ceremonies seemed like it was the start of a relationship with unlimited growth potential.  The other ceremony seemed like it was the start of a relationship destined to shrink in size and value.

And ultimately, one of the ceremonies was completely non-judgmental, while the other ceremony judged the first to be depraved and worthy of being banned.

Notice that I haven't identified which event I believed them to be.  Which do you think was which?

Don't get me wrong, I care for the people involved in all of these ceremonies, including the aforementioned interracial marriage.  The (young) participants chose to make an open public expression of their love for someone or something else, and I was among hundreds or family members and friends there to unconditionally support them.

That said, I've never experienced a greater feeling of dissonance than I did during those seven days.

The Stages Of Grief For Celebrations

One of the first college classes I took was Intro to Psychology.  It's the kind of basic class you want to take if you have an undeclared major or an elective to fill, which is probably why it was mainly filled with freshmen and seniors.

It was an easy class, generally only requiring memorization for success, but it's surprising how much of it I still remember.  One of those things is the psychological stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

[Technically, these were identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross as the stages of grief for the terminally ill in her book On Death and Dying (yes, I even remember that!) but over time they've been attributed to more than just terminal illness.]

I've often applied these stages of grief to other things.  I once did an entire presentation to a large group about the years-long need for additional financing for a project, and I used the stages of grief as a simile of sorts.  I suggested that in the past year, some in the room had moved from denial to anger to bargaining, but most hadn't yet made it to depression much less acceptance.  So I told them I was taking it upon myself to depress them that day as much as possible so they'd get to acceptance faster.

Recently, I've been applying the stages of grief to how people are treating aspects of the COVID-19 pandemic.  For example, we've got an executive branch of federal government that denied it, then got angry as it happened, and is so corrupt that it will never get beyond bargaining over it while people die.

However, it's particularly applicable to those who have/had planned gatherings of many people, whether it be graduation parties, baby showers, or weddings.  First, there's a denial that the event can't happen.  Then anger about how a rare pandemic could get in the way.  Then there's the stage most are in, which is bargaining for a way to still make the event happen against needlessly exposing guests to the virus.  Of course, this also includes bargaining with vendors over monetary deposits that may have been made.

Not everyone has managed to get through to the depression stage, and then ultimate acceptance that the event either isn't going to happen, or won't be happening anywhere close to the original plan.  And not all of those who've managed to make it to acceptance are done; those proceeding with alternate plans are finding themselves right back at denial when those revised arrangements are also partly stymied.

It's a terrible year to have planned for any type of celebration, much less to try to execute said celebration.  I'm glad I'm not in that group, but if I was, I'd try to get through the stages of grief as soon as possible.

The Wedding Planner

My daughter got married last week.  There was a beautiful ceremony, followed by a feast and dancing.  A good time was had by all.

Now that I'm a veteran of helping put together a successful wedding and reception, I would recommend the following to all those who may one day do the same:

1)  Make sure you have a spouse who takes care of most of the details in the months leading up to the wedding.  I cannot stress enough how critical this is.

2)  Buy local.  That out-of-town caterer or photographer may be your favorite, but when the time comes, you'll want to communicate with them face-to-face, and not worry about the travel/time.

3)  Have a personal helper(s) at both the wedding and reception venues - someone whose sole responsibility is to help you with whatever needs to be done.  There is so much going on, you aren't going to remember the details of what needs to be done, much less have time to do them.  Also, there is going to be a lot of stuff that needs to be transported from the wedding to the reception, and from the reception to home.

4)  Try to spend time with family the day before the wedding.  They're going to want to talk to you on the wedding day, of course, but so will everyone else.  Get some of the conversations shared beforehand, and you won't feel as bad about not being able to talk to them afterward.

5)  Make sure you have a long pre-reception day meeting with person(s) responsible for the dance music, and make sure they play what you want and don't play what you don't want.  We did this, and it was a rock solid idea. You don't want a lame night of dancing to end an otherwise great day.

6)  Starting the week of the wedding, if any out-of-towners ask you for suggestions on where to go or what to do, ask them why they didn't ask sooner, and then suggest they use their smartphones and figure it out themselves. Shame on them, you have too much to do at that point to be bothered with their unrelated entertainment.

7)  Re-read Item 1.