RAGBRAI - 2023 Edition

I last rode my bike on RAGBRAI in 2017, after coming out of a self-imposed retirement for the second time.  I didn't ride in 2018, and drove a support vehicle one day in 2019.  There was no ride in 2020, and I've had no desire to ride, nor fear of missing out, the past two years.

2023, however, marked the 50th RAGBRAI.  In conjunction with that, the route tried to follow the original route, staring in Sioux City and ending in Dubuque, with larger overnight towns in between.  So yeah, I had to come out of RAGBRAI retirement for the third (and final?) time to ride another day.

Compared to most segments, the one I rode this year from Ames to Des Moines was easy.  It was flat, with little climb, and under 60 miles total.  I can only think of one prior day of RAGBRAI I ever rode that was less strenuous.

The one big negative was the heat.  It was a sunny, humid, near 100 degree day, with little wind.  Water and shade were at a premium.  I can only thing of one prior day of RAGBRAI I ever rode that might have been as uncomfortably warm.

But forget all that.....here are this year's observations:

* There were an estimated 60,000 riders on this day, probably a one-day record.  Consequently, the roads and stops along the way were jam packed.  The number of cyclists also meant it was more dangerous than usual, as you were constantly surrounded by riders on the road.  And some of them hadn't spent much time handling a bike on their own, much less a bike in a crowd.

* An unfortunate RAGBRAI tradition continued, as the first town from the start simply wasn't big enough to handle everyone wanting to stop there for early morning food/beverage nourishment/elimination.  (The elimination part is true for all towns; there are never enough portable toilets.)  To make matters worse this year, due to the number of cyclists, most had to walk (rather than ride) for the final 1/2 mile into the town.

* Pie report: Had some good church-lady berry pie.  Didn't find pineapple pie, but did find a delicious peach-pineapple slice at a corporate stand.

* Demographics report: The ride continues to age.  My estimated ratio would be 10 age 50+ people for every younger one.  Virtually no one under 30, and this on a day the ride went from a college town to a nightclub area of a large city, when you'd think a younger person my be more interested.

* I was pleasantly surprised to see almost no E-bikes on the day.  I counted two.  Let me be clear, unless you are a special needs individual, nobody on RAGBRAI should be allowed to use an E-bike, it's already dangerous without them.  If you feel you need one, the ride isn't for you, go ride it somewhere else, except on a trail because motorized vehicles aren't allowed!

* A quintessential RAGBRAI moment happened during a rest stop, when among the 60,000 riders, I asked a random person next to me where they were from.  Turns out we unknowingly grew up about three miles from each other in NW Iowa.  Amazing.

* Did not see any memorable new team names, but I did see a group with jerseys that said  'BILLSTEAM - Ratifying It Since 2017 - Where's Logan?'.  That had to be something, but I don't know what.

The Drive West

 A few years ago, I documented a solo drive on Interstate 80 from Des Moines to eastern Pennsylvania, on a road trip to Philadelphia.  This week, I did the opposite, a solo drive from Philadelphia to Des Moines.  I intentionally took a different route back via a few different interstate roads -- here's my summary:

* In Pennsylvania, Interstate 76 doubles as the Pennsylvania Turnpike.  The eastern half is mundane until your reach Harrisburg, where the terrain takes on the Allegheny Mountain range to the border.  You actually go through three fairly long tunnels carved out of those mountains.

* Who knew that as I-76 morphs into Interstate 70, you drive through just a few miles of West Virginia before entering Ohio?  I didn't.

* I-70 through Ohio isn't memorable, not even going through Columbus -- it's not like you see their famous zoo, or any of Ohio State University.  The closest thing to interesting is near Dayton, where you come quite close to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, which you can't see, either.

* The interstate through Indiana is equally boring, except for Indianapolis.  It turns out the quickest way to get from I-70 to Interstate 74 is by taking the road that goes through Speedway, Indiana, right by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  As you might expect, seemingly every business around it uses the word 'Speedway' in it.

* Once in Illinois and back on Central Time, the super-flat drive quickly goes through a bunch of college towns: Champaign (University of Illinois), Normal (Illinois State), and Peoria (Bradley).  Seems like a bunch of places not to stop right now, as college kids become potential COVID-19 super-spreaders.

* Just west of the Quad Cities, it's time to make a final stop at the I-80 Truck Stop near Walcott, the largest truck stop in the country.  It's a tourist attraction.  It even has a trucking museum....I'm just saying.

The Artful Codger

In the past ten or so years, I've been a regular attendee at what would be considered 'artistic' community events.  Specifically, these events include attending traveling Broadway shows in Des Moines, and the annual Des Moines city arts festival.

Prior to the past decade, my interest in the fine arts was mostly limited to excessively complimenting my kids on their mandatory elementary school art projects.  If you go back far enough, you might also include watching MTV -- you know, back when it was still a music video channel and not whatever it's trying to be today.

These days, however, I've become at least a little bit more interested.  I've seen dozens of live stage performances, mostly Broadway musicals, and I'd say at least half of them were quite entertaining.  I'm more drawn to the contemporary, adapted musicals than to the old-school classics, which are almost entirely singing and dancing.  I even watched some of the Tony Awards on TV this year -- yikes.

As for the Des Moines Arts Festival, it's a way to be open-minded about people who do creative things, be it painting, photography, sculpture, or music.  Every year, I run across something that I think would be a cool conversation piece, or something with vibrant colors that must stimulate the right side of my brain.  Also every year, I wonder about how these poor artists are able to charge hundreds or even thousands of dollars for something will zero utility value, which is why I'm only a viewer and not a customer.

No one would say that I've become an aficionado of the fine arts.  Far from it.  I can't think of anything I'd rather do less with my leisure time than go to a ballet, or listen to a symphony orchestra.  Plus, I do think too much public money is channeled to the arts, when it could be better served to help human suffering.  (Those able to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars a year on show tickets or artwork can surely fund the arts privately.)

That said, I can also say I’ve matured enough to appreciate artistic talent and output.

2019

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?  No, it's time to again review the things I wanted to have happen this year, and consider some things I would like to see happen in 2019.  As usual, we start with the prior year's list, with comments in ALL CAPS:

-The failure of Bitcoin, not as an idea, but as an investment.
BITCOIN'S SHARE PRICE WENT FROM OVER $15,000 TO UNDER $4,000.  THESE DAYS, IT'S AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

-An NCAA scandal so large they will have to start allowing players a cut of revenues.
THERE WAS/IS A RATHER LARGE SCANDAL RELATED TO SHOE COMPANY REPS GETTING MONEY TO DIRECT AMATEUR BASKETBALL PLAYERS TO CERTAIN SCHOOLS.  BUT SO FAR IT'S ONLY LED TO A FEW COACHES BEING FIRED.

-More destinations and ways to fly on Southwest Airlines.
WELL, THEY ADDED A DIRECT DES MOINES - PHOENIX FLIGHT.

-A widespread ability to charge devices without a cord (also asked for this for 2016).
NOPE.

-A new governor / lieutenant governor elected for Iowa.
IT LOOKED LIKE THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE A SURPRISING DISAPPOINTMENT.

-Let's try this -- exponential growth in the cannabis industry to the extent all states will want a piece of it through taxation.
ALMOST READY TO SAY THIS HAPPENED.  [I JUST COVERED THIS IN MY LAST POST.]

-Greater national and international awareness of CRISPR (genome editing) technology.
THERE HAVE BEEN MORE NATIONAL STORIES ABOUT THIS.

-Smaller entree portions served in restaurants, for a reduced price.
THE PORTIONS MAY HAVE GOTTEN LARGER.

-Fewer national weather disasters, but more understanding of climate change.
ANOTHER ITEM THAT MOVED FARTHER AWAY FROM HAPPENING, NOT CLOSER.

-The resignation or impeachment of a mentally unstable and unqualified president -- again, no names.
CARRYING THIS ONE OVER TO NEXT YEAR.

Now, for 2019 I'd like to see these things happen:

The resignation or impeachment of a mentally unstable and unqualified president -- again, no names.

The electric vehicle becoming America's fastest growing (by percentage) seller.

Alabama and Clemson and New England to have poor football seasons.

Some major medical breakthrough, perhaps a vaccine to eliminate a dread disease.

Consistent, moderate summer rain in central Iowa.

A priest actually arrested and charged and jailed for past sexual abuse.

More cities allowing app-based scooter rentals.

Another scandal that ruins another Fox TV personality.

U.S. restaurants that allow payment by app, OR that bring the credit card reader to your table.

Me traveling to one of the five continental states in which I've never set foot.

Visiting The Chowdaheads

I've long wanted to visit the far northeastern portion of the United States -- the New England area, as I usually refer to it.  As a bonus, I've always wanted to do that in October, during the peak of Fall colors.

This month, that visit finally happened.  During the week I was there, I swept through parts of six different states.  Here are some observations from each state:

Massachusetts -- The trip started and ended in Boston, the only place in the area to which I'd previously been.  As with that prior trip, I consider it a friendly town, but unless you're really into colonial history, not that exciting.  A day-trip to Cape Cod was a lot of driving, but more interesting.  It doesn't take much to imagine that big sand bar to be choked with tourists and traffic during the summer months.

Rhode Island -- Spent a night in Providence, which struck me as being like Des Moines if it was located on the Atlantic shore.  Even though it's a small state, didn't have the time to get to Newport, which I suspect would have been a lot like Cape Cod.

Connecticut -- Only drove through the corner of this state.  Nothing to report, except that I was there.

Vermont -- It generally fit the stereotype.  A mostly rural state, with dense (and colorful) birch and maple trees covering the landscape, bed and breakfast-type inns, dairy herds, and friendly people.  Home to Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and Cabot Cheese, both of which I toured.  It's not that much different than Iowa, with the White Mountain range instead of silos.

New Hampshire -- A lot like Vermont, with one major, unexpected exception: About 25 miles of Atlantic shore line, with vast sandy beaches and some huge houses and resorts.  Who knew?  That small corner of New Hampshire was actually a lot more like I expected Cape Cod to be.

Maine -- We weren't able to make it up to Acadia National Park, but the southern part of the state had its own charm.  Think lighthouses, lobsters, and coastal shipping passages.  I got the feeling that everyone who lives there wither worked as a fisherman or longshoreman.  However, that feeling went away on a visit to Kennebunkport -- a vacation destination for the very wealthy and connected, with the Bush family compound being the elite of the elite.

By my count, this leaves Alabama, Alaska, Idaho, Mississippi, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, and North Dakota as only states I haven't yet been to.  A couple of golf trips should fix that.

I-80 East

I made a one-way road trip from Des Moines to Philadelphia last week.  Among other things, this provided me with 1100 miles worth of observations while driving east, with all but the last 100 miles or so on Interstate 80:

* Iowa gets stereotyped for flat terrain, but across the fruited plain east of the Mississippi River, it's actually much flatter through the northern parts of Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio.  I suppose this is due to the proximity of the Great Lakes, but I never hear anyone refer to Ohio being flat.

* Once you cross the state line from Ohio into Pennsylvania, it suddenly gets hilly, and you spend most of the road time crossing the Allegheny Mountains, then the Pocono Mountains.  A much more scenic drive, but a much more difficult drive.

* Although I missed the toll roads in Illinois the lead to Chicago, it was all tollways through Indiana and Ohio.  Why?  The roads weren't any better in those states.  I was particularly discouraged about this in Indiana, a not-so-populous state that can't possibly need toll/road money any more than Iowa, which has no tolls on I-80.

* Did you know that there's an RV / Motor Home Hall of Fame and Museum along I-80 in Elkhart, Indiana.  Again, why?  This was the most memorable, cheezy site of interest along the way.

* It's no surprise that traffic was thick near Chicago, even mid-day.  But the worst of it was eastern Pennsylvania.  Once you get to Allentown, it's high traffic the rest of the way, because for some reason millions of people choose to live on a tiny section of America on the northeastern seaboard.

* Thank you to Google Maps, and Waze, and any other tech app that helps people with directions and traffic.  It's hard to remember how people could successfully made epic drives with only paper maps at their disposal.

The Bandwagon Is Full

As I write this, it’s presidential Election Day in America.  And to help me get celebrate the end of the seemingly never-ending campaigns, I’m going to write about how it’s like…..bandwagon fans.

Last week, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908.  I’m not a Cubs fan, and frankly baseball is at best my 4th favorite team sport behind football, basketball, and even hockey.  (I’ve made blog entries in the past about how the baseball establishment has ruined baseball.)  But the Cubs’ triple-A team, the Iowa Cubs, play in Des Moines, and I’ve seen many of the players in past trips to those games, so even I was sort of rooting for those lovable losers.  (Also, it makes me feel better because I’d like to think that once in my lifetime, another perennial losing team called the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.)

During and after the Series, there were somewhere between thousands and millions of people claiming to be long-suffering Cubs fans.  And while many of them were, some of them were not.  A lot of those so-called long-time fans couldn’t name even a couple of the players, nor had any clue as to how well the Cubs did in the regular season.  They were bandwagon fans, trying to attach their sorry souls to a contender they really don’t care about, giving them an excuse act silly and feel good about themselves.

Those fans drive me nuts.  They act like they care, but they don’t actually know enough to care.

In a way, it’s a metaphor for this year’s presidential election.  Millions of people are going to vote today, and lots of them know virtually nothing about the candidates, nor the issues they’ve been campaigning about for the past year.  They just know that a big contest is afoot, and they’re going to attach their sorry souls to a contender they really don’t care about, giving them an excuse to act silly and feel good about themselves.

Those voters drive me nuts, too.

Ratings > Perspective

Today there was a funeral for a Des Moines police officer, one of two killed last week in a late night interstate highway collision.  The officers were transporting an inmate from another jurisdiction when they were hit by a presumed drunk driver, who was driving on the wrong side of the road.

As with the other officer buried earlier in the week, there were scores of other law enforcement personnel in attendance from other parts of Iowa and the country.  That’s not a surprise.  What is a surprise, at least to me, is the production scope of the visitation and funeral ceremonies, and the media attention being given to these events.

For the past four days, main roads have been shut down for extended periods so the bodies could be transported from funeral homes to churches to burial sites.  These transports have included processions of dozens, perhaps hundreds, of police and fire department vehicles, with hundreds, if not thousands, of people paying their respects at the churches, or by standing along these procession routes.  And in something I believe to be unprecedented, there has been live TV coverage of the funerals on multiple stations.

Don’t get me wrong, the death of these police officers (plus two others, including the driver of the other car and the prisoner being transported) is tragic.  But can we at least agree that relative to other tragic deaths, the amount of attention being given to their funerals is somewhat disproportional to what happened.

Yes, they were on duty, and the law enforcement code rightfully gives them and their families an outpouring of support and respect.  However, they were not doing anything heroic.  Being killed by a (allegedly) drunk driver isn’t the same as being killed by taking a bullet, or running into a burning house, or trying to quell a riot.  The manner in which they died could have, and has, happened to countless others before them, both on the job and off.  And while those incidents often garner much support and attention, it isn’t anything like this.  Not even close.

To put it into more perspective, consider a military member killed on the other side of the world in Iraq or Afghanistan or some other god forsaken place.  Yes, the military gives that person tremendous respect, and the funeral is given much attention.  However, it receives nowhere near the attention that the public and media are giving to these officers.  And let’s be real, that military member deserves at least as much, probably more attention, given their sacrifice.  They are doing something extraordinary, just being on the other side of the world for months or years, regardless of the cause of death.

I blame the local media for whipping up public sentiment beyond the pale.  They’ve made it a race to see which TV or radio or newspaper or even social media outlet can show that they have more empathy about the local police officer deaths.  Consequently, people are paying more than the usual amount of attention.  That isn’t the fault of the officers, or their families, or I suppose even the police department.  But the whole thing is out of proportion nonetheless.

It reminds me of many years ago when Princess Diana died, and then Mother Teresa of Calcutta died days later.  Diana’s funeral became worldwide spectacle, covered live by international media.  Mother Teresa’s funeral deserved every bit as much coverage, probably more given the circumstances, but only grudgingly got some.  Ratings, you know.  It might have gotten none at all without the guilt of the networks for their over-the-top coverage of Diana.

I’ve privately mentioned my surprise to a few folks, and no one disagrees, but no one dares say it out loud.  Let’s just say the next time a local soldier is killed, I’d better see wall-to-wall media coverage about it.  It’s just a matter of time before another law enforcement or military funeral doesn’t have the same coverage, when there will be some public backlash.

A Fitness Problem

Central Iowa has a fitness problem.  But not like you might think.

In the next few weeks, LifeTime Fitness is going to open a huge franchised health club in suburban Des Moines.  This is the latest of many other large 'full-service' fitness facilities in the metro area, including Prairie Life Fitness, Seven Flags Fitness, Aspen Athletic Club, Fitness World West, plus several newer YMCAs that exist in and around the city.

In the meantime, we have a variety of other not-quite-full service health facilities, such as Planet Fitness or CrossFit Des Moines.  Of course, we also have a bunch of 24-hour self-service options, like Anytime Fitness or Snap Fitness.

We also have all kinds of other wellness entities (some with multiple locations and many locally-owned) that actually exist for various boutique exercise classes, including Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping or Kosama, to name two of more than 20.

So in a metro area of about 300,000, we are overrun with health clubs.  Unfortunately, we are not overrun with healthy looking people.

This begs the question, how do all of these fitness facilities make enough money to exist?  The only logical conclusion I can come up with is, this is an industry that is given money in return for nothing.  Think about it -- thousands of people pay monthly and/or annual membership fees to partake in the venue and/or classes, and then inevitably many of them never actually show up.

This is clearly a great business model, offering a pre-paid service that is never actually performed, with no guarantee of a better outcome.  As a fee-based financial advisor, the cynical side of me would say this business model is a lot that of a commission-based financial advisor!

In the end, not all of these fitness places are going to make it.  That's good, because later this year I'll be looking to buy some excellent used exercise equipment.

Weathering The Weather

Check out this screenshot I took of the weather conditions in Des Moines on January 6, 2014:

Now, check out this screenshot I took of the weather conditions in Des Moines on August 30, 2013:

We love to talk about the weather in Iowa.  It starts virtually every conversation - it's crazy.  It's primarily because agriculture is our economic engine, and the weather has the biggest impact on agriculture.  (Well, that and government subsidies.)

But when you see weather extremes like this.....a 115 degree temperature change in a four month period, not to mention a 142 degree "wind chill to heat index" temperature change?  Even I think it's something worth discussing.

Here's what not to include in that conversation - that somehow the very cold temps mean global warming doesn't exist.  That's ignorant.  If anything, this is an argument that climate change (a more apt term to describe things) is in fact happening. Weather extremes support that, cold or hot.

Let's Give Each Other An Award

Their is nothing wrong with being wealthy, and there's certainly nothing wrong with being philanthropically wealthy.  However, do super-wealthy people understand the subtle arrogance of their often public philanthropy?

I thought about this last week, while browsing a local quarterly magazine that markets to the affluent of central Iowa.  Among the advertisements for custom home builders, art stores, fine dining, and spas, there are socialite pictures of the Des Moines hoi-polloi attending various charity galas and award ceremonies.

It's undoubtedly true that many of these folks have donated big amounts of time and money to charities and other civic causes.  They are to be commended for that. Apparently, they feel the same way, because the pictures in the magazine show many of the same folks at every one of the these formal affairs.

The circle goes something like this:  An very wealthy executive is named to a charitable or civic board, and after a while they are honored for their service (read: money), for which they get an award at a formal ceremony, at which another wealthy executive there rotates up to replace them on the board, and the cycle begins anew.

Over a long enough period of time, these wealthy civic socialites end up giving awards to each other for their meritorious service.  It must be tough giving an acceptance speech when you've heard them all before.

I admire wealthy people who are genuinely philanthropic, and I suppose there's no reason to begrudge someone willing to be an award-winning figurehead from which more money can be raised.  For some, however, there is clearly an attention-seeking aspect to it all.

It's a little bit like adults seeking to be the king or the queen of the prom.  Isn't it enough just to be a part of it?

Her Name is Lolo, She Was A Track Star

This was Drake Relays weekend in Des Moines, and elite track athletes (along with select collegiates and Iowa high schoolers) descended upon the city at one of the premier track meets in America.  The field was especially good this year, with big prize money drawing many current and future Olympians.

Among the many elites was Des Moines' own Lolo Jones, the pride of Theodore Roosevelt High School.  Lolo was a great collegiate hurdler, who gained fame in 2008 as a favorite to win the women's Olympic 100 meter hurdles in Beijing, and led the final with two hurdles to go, only to clip the second-to-last one and not place.

This had to be one of the more devastating moments in recent Olympic history.  I mean, it could easily replace the falling ski jumper as the 'agony of defeat' visual on Wide World of Sports.  In the face of this, Lolo was determined to return 4 years later and get a medal.  Against the odds, she qualified for the 2012 London Olympics, and made the final, but ultimately did not place again.

Since the disappointment of 2008, Lolo has been known as much for attention she's gained off the track, from her good looks (modeling) to some controversial statements she's made in national interviews and social media.  More recently, she's become a member of the U.S. women's bobsled team, with a chance at an Olympic medal in that sport in 2014.

This has all led to some resentment from other track athletes, about the attention Lolo gets for not winning.  I used to think that was just jealously, and she deserved a break.  Until two things happened.

First, a few years ago an athletic trainer working at the Drake Relays told me what a diva Lolo was to work with.  Now this week, after not winning at the Drake Relays again (she finished 4th), Lolo complained to the media that there was always more pressure at Drake, so many demands on her time, it affected her performance.  She was sure there would be more haters out there.

C'mon now.  People want to like Lolo for all she's been through, including a tough childhood.  But let's face it, no one has made a better career out of not winning than Lolo has.  She chose to do that modeling, those interviews, her tweets, the bobsled deal.  If she feels her Q-rating is falling now, that's on her.

After London, one writer compared Lolo to tennis' formerly popular and attractive non-winner Anna Kournikova, which really wasn't fair because Lolo did win world titles.  The other difference, however, is that after a while, Kournikova went away, and didn't try to re-invent herself in later years as anything other than the mediocre pro tennis player she was.

I'd say it's time to stop keeping track (no pun intended) of Lolo.  I guess that makes me a hater.  I still wish good luck to her, but there are other athletes more worthy of attention.  In the meantime, here's my ode to Lolo, sung to the tune of 'Copacabana':

Her name is Lolo
She was a track star
But that was several years ago
When she used have the 'go'
Now she does bobsled
She's getting older
Not sure to cheer her or to boo
Let's all move on to someone new

How To Run A Marathon - Or Not

The Des Moines Marathon (and half-marathon) was held last weekend, in Des Moines, Iowa, of all places.  My wife ran in the half-marathon, so I attended as a supporter, but also as an observer.

Both my spouse and I were terrific in our respective roles of runner and supporter. I now write this in my role as observer:

There are many different ways one might tell by sight whether a runner is doing a half-marathon (13.1 miles) or the full marathon (26.2 miles).  These include runner pace, runner weight (the fatties are definitely NOT doing the full), and perhaps most obviously, runner apparel.  The marathoners had all the gear - the Lycra, the designer running shoes, the expensive running watch, even the personal masseuse at the finish.  In the meantime, many of the half-marathoners wore costumes.

Lots of people weren't there to run, they were there to walk.  Some were obviously walking for a cause, others were walking for exercise.  Regardless, I don't really get that.  In Des Moines, there is some sort of 5K or 10K walk/run every weekend in the warm weather months.  If someone wants to walk, do it in one of those other races, not at the marathon.  Can we not have one race that's not full of people who never actually exercise?

The after-race accommodations were awesome.  There was the usual race pictures, massages, and music.  But there was a fantastic assortment of food and beverages, which was in an area sectioned off just for the runners.  That not only kept out the spectators and other hangers-on from getting 'free' stuff (for which the runners paid within their $60+ entry fee), but preserved enough room for everyone.

Silver Anniversary Of A Crash

The stock market was down just under 2% today, Friday October 19th.  Not a good day, but relative to 25 years ago, a GREAT day.

I recall October 19, 1987 quite well.  That was the day the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 500 points in one day, which at the time was over 20%.  Think about that - a similar drop today would mean the Dow would fall over 2500 points!

Can you imagine the near and maybe real panic that would cause today, in the U.S. and around the world?  People would be non-functional.  At least the 40+% drop in the stock market in 2008 was more of a cascading crash, since it happened over the course of many weeks/months.

25 years ago, I was less than two years out of college, working an entry-level job setting up 401k plans for employer-customers at Principal Financial Group in Des Moines.  Oh, and I had just found out we were expecting our first child.  But I never felt like I was in danger of losing my job - if anything, there may have been more job security.  Principal needed more help after that, as the 'yuppies' of that generation suddenly concluded they should be saving more money (inside a 401k plan was one way) instead of spending every dime they made.

Looking back, one of the crazy things about that day was we were not in the 24-hour news cycle that we are today.  We weren't following the crash using TVs or the internet (the what?).  We just got periodic updates throughout the day, near the end of which we learned of the 500+ point drop.

One of my favorite stories from that day actually didn't happen until the next day, when we were ushered into a meeting with some Principal executives, who told us to tell employer-customer not to be alarmed, it was 'business as usual' there - except now we weren't going to do this, or this other thing, or that, or that other thing. In other words, it was the opposite of business as usual.  Clueless morons!

In the end, the market and the economy came back stronger than ever, setting up the 90s for another big bull run.  Is that why people think the current recovery seems non-existent - because it isn't happening fast enough?

Taxpayers Win = Taxpayers Loss

Time for another story about taxpayers getting the shaft.

Last week the Iowa Supreme Court ruled in favor of the plantiff in a nearly 8-year old suit against the city of Des Moines.  In short, the court reaffirmed decisions previously made at lower judiciary level that the city had illegally charged citizens a franchise fee on their utility bills.

In the end, the city has been ordered to refund $9 million.  Case closed (after 8 years) right?

Um, maybe not.  Des Moines' city 'leaders' are considering spending even more money on their lost cause to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, which almost certainly will not hear the case because it doesn't have enough widespread application.

And regardless, the city council is making it clear that they will ultimately recoup the funds from taxpayers anyway, by using some other tax source to fund the $9 million from those same tax-ees.  So the taxpayers win the lawsuit after being screwed, and the reward is to get screwed a second time.

In other words, Des Moines' city 'leaders' aren't even going to make an effort to find a way to minimize the impact of their mistake by stopping their legal appeals, or god forbid, reducing expenses.  There is something so fundamentally wrong with this, it's no wonder fringe groups like the Tea Party can gain popular support.

At least props go to the district court judge who's original order was upheld by the Iowa Supreme Court.  When the city argued that the fee should be upheld because not doing so would have the same impact on taxholders, here's what he wrote in his ruling:

“The court disagrees with the City’s position that equity mandates there be no refund to the class. If the court was to accept the City’s position no refund under the City’s benefit/no detriment argument the court would be sending a message to all cities in Iowa that as long as cities use funds from the illegal taxation for the good and honorable purposes, the taxpayers don’t have anything to complain about and have no right to a refund of the funds illegally collected. The City’s position in this regard is not supported by any just, fair or equitable principle. The court should not and will not send such a message."

Along with the plaintiff, he's the warrior for the taxpayers.

Grindin' - The Sequel

A little over a year ago, I wrote about the "grinding" controversy at our local public high school.  By now, you'd think Iowa's school administrators would have moved on from policing how kids dance to other things, like how to raise their academic standards or maybe how to keep kids from skipping class.

This has not happened.  In fact, this week administrators from the largest high school in the state, West Des Moines Valley, announced a strict new 'no-grinding' policy for their school dances.  The principal is quoted as saying, "Students should face their dancing partners, and any dancing that involves groping, grinding, or public displays of affection will result in those students geing asked to leave the dance."  (Groping?)  Here again, dance attendees must sign a pledge that they will adhere to the policy.

One year later, and this dirty dancing debate is funnier/dumber than ever!  Like I said the last time this came up, it's really just one level removed from the movie Footloose, which ironically was made into a sequel just last year.  The only difference is, this is about the kind of dancing, rather than dancing altogether.

Strip this thing down and what do you got?  You've got school administrators wasting valuable taxpayer time and money trying to be surrogate parents for a bunch of hormonal teenagers, most of whom already spend hours away from school watching TV or playing video games that are far more sexually suggestive or violent than 'grinding' ever will be.

I get that schools expect appropriate behavior at school functions.  What I don't get, and never will, is how school officials think they are qualified to act as a moral compass, as if they were the students' parents.

My solution?  Screen the famous 'Evolution of Dance' web video for the student body and splice in some 'grinding' footage.  If it looks silly on the internet, maybe kids won't want to do it anymore!

Des Moines Halloween = Lame

Halloween and its costume-related activities were not a thing for me growing up. I don't recall Trick-or-Treating a single time as a child living on the farm. Isn't that sad? Not sure I've ever been to a single costume party in my life, either.

Then I had kids, and I started to have a little bit of fun with Halloween. For more years than I can remember now, on Trick-or Treat night I'll dress up like a combination of Michal Myers from the movie Halloween and Jason from the movie Friday the 13th, and give out candy on the porch while little kids get a little scared. This year, as every year, there are at least a couple of kids that don't want to come to the door when they see me, which is awesome.

Alas, it's not as fun as it once was. It isn't me, either. It's not as fun because Halloween in Des Moines is so lame these days.

First, Trick-or-Treat night here isn't even on Halloween, it's on October 30th. (Don't ask, I don't know, some goofy central Iowa tradition.) Next, the costumes have become a joke. Nobody makes them anymore, they just buy a mask or some other piece of pre-made store crap. This year I had a few kids that didn't even bother to wear a costume. WTF?! My wife made great costumes for my kids back in the day - what happened to everyone else?

Finally, here along with saying "Trick or treat" (which they often lamely don't even bother to do) the kids are expected to tell you a little joke or riddle. (Again, don't ask, another tradition.)  No one gives this much of an effort these days, either.

Not counting the 100 different "Why did the (something) cross the road?" jokes, here were the least lame ones:

Why was 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because there was no 'body' to dance with.

What do you call a fat jack o'lantern?
Plumpkin.

What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
I have a bone to pick with you.

Where does a zombie live?
Dead End.

What did the ghost order at the bar?
'Boo'ze.

And a couple unrelated to Halloween:

What does a house wear?
A(d)dress.

How do you stop Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.

A final lame item: Every year there are kids too old to be Trick-or-Treating. If they want candy that much, they should go buy some. Of course, they invariably end up telling a more adult joke, like this one from this year: Why couldn't the jack o'lantern have children? Because of his halloweener.

It's Easy To Be Number 3

For as long as I've lived in Des Moines, the ABC-TV affiliate, WOI, has been a distant 3rd in local TV ratings.  Basically, no one watches their news at 5, 6, or 10pm.  This is despite the fact that over the past 10 years they may have had the best weather director and sports director of all three broacast affiliates.

One thing they've consistently had during this time, however, is dumb management.  They changed general managers earlier this year, but it apparently only made them dumber.

This link will tell you why, by way of another very funny Colbert Report clip:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/394521/august-11-2011/colbert-super-pac---confused-by-rick-parry-with-an--a--for-america

Grindin'

I grew up in far northwest Iowa. It was and still is a friendly and safe place to live, work, and raise a family. It also was and still is a very socially and religiously conservative place.

I could give you a number of examples of just how conservative (including how they keep electing Steve King to Congress), but one of my favorites was how one of the local parochial high schools canceled a dance once years ago, because the students were dancing too close to each other at the previous one. I always joked (still do) about how that community later implemented a ban on kissing, because they were afraid someday it might lead to dancing! Yes, it was close to a real-life version of the movie 'Footloose'.

It's 20+ years later, and while NW Iowa is still a very conservative place, it's not as repressed as it once was. With TV and technology, it simply can't stop societal evolution. However, this week I was reminded that no matter what, there will always be someone trying to stop that evolution.

Case in point, this week a parent in my own public school district (Johnston, Iowa, a suburb of big bad Des Moines) complained to high school administrators about the dancing they've seen at school functions. That parent had chaperoned a fall dance at the school, and wrote to school officials claiming that what he saw would best be described as "a sex act, albeit with clothes on."

Specifically, the dancing he's referring to is known as 'grinding'. Basically, it's guys dancing behind girls and rubbing their frontsides against the girls' backsides. The fact that this parent would use the term 'sex act' to describe this makes me think he has either an incredibly boring or incredibly interesting sex life - but I bet it's more like incredibly boring.

The best part about this story is that, just like my kissing/dancing joke, now everybody can poke fun at the parents and school administrators. It doesn't matter if they have a point or not. A Des Moines T-shirt shop has already sold more than 100 "Johnston: Straight Grindin'" tees, and if I was a student there I'd definitely get one, too.

This story certainly made me hark back to my cloistered youth, and laugh at the idea that today some people still think that controlling dancing is critical to controlling other teenage behavior. Aside from 'Footloose' it all makes me think of one other movie. In 'Jurassic Park', the Jeff Goldblum character/scientist is not convinced that the dinosaur population can be controlled via gender genetics, because in the end, "Nature finds a way."

He means that eventually, the dinosaurs will start kissing, and it will lead to dancing, and soon societal evolution will run amok!

A Plan For Planning To Plan

The following is edited from a recent press release:

"The Community Foundation of Greater Des Moines and the Greater Des Moines Partnership are collaborating with local government, education, healthcare and other local business and community leaders on a strategic community and economic development planning process to create a shared vision and strategic plan for Greater Des Moines and Central Iowa. A community and economic development consulting firm will facilitate the work. The steering committee findings will generate an action plan with a long-term perspective, implementation strategies and a framework for measuring results and progress."

As someone with experience at a large Dilbert-like for-profit entity, as well as financially-inept non-profit entity, let me interpret this for you:

"As organizations that pay their employees from membership dues and/or taxpayers, we feel that every so often we need to act like we're doing something to justify our otherwise useless existence, not to mention our unnecessary jobs and salaries. Therefore, we're joining forces to have a bunch of meetings, which of course requires us to pay for the services of a consultant because that makes it look even more important. In the end, you can bet that we'll keep our jobs, the consultant will make a bunch of money, and nothing will actually come from this, except that members and taxpayers are going to get rolled."