A Candidate Guide, Circa 2016

With the first-in-the-nation caucuses only days away, Iowa is once again in the national political spotlight.  It’s time for my quadrennial assessment of the remaining candidates (here's the 2012 version), in alphabetical order by party:

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton
The good: She’s easily the most credentialed to be president.  The bad: There’s something unlikable about her quest for political power, even after reinventing herself as a senator and cabinet member.

Martin O’Malley
The former governor of Maryland seems smart and likable enough, but he definitely picked the wrong cycle to run for president.

Bernie Sanders
Every four years, it seems there’s a grandfatherly-looking candidate with an unusual message who sparks an interest with younger voters.  The last time, it was Republican-Libertarian Ron Paul.  This time, it’s Democratic-Socialist Bernie Sanders.

REPUBLICANS

Jeb Bush
All that PAC money, all that name legacy, and he’s seems to be getting no traction.  Maybe we have had enough of the Bush family in the White House.  He just doesn’t stand out in this field.

Chris Christie
Not the best bedside manner, but that’s a net good, it makes him look less Washington-insider.  He won’t do well in Iowa, but he could do well elsewhere.  Also: Must lose more weight, America doesn't elect unhealthy-looking presidents.

Ted Cruz
Take a ring-wing whack-job who’s disliked by his own party, and add support from Iowa’s own resident whack-job congressman, Steve King.  This is how you identify the Republicans’ potential Iowa caucus winner.  (Has it really been 2+ years since I wrote this?)

John Kasich
Probably the Republican candidate most appealing to independents, someone who seems to understand that governing is a compromise.  Unfortunately, that means it will be tough for him to win.

Rand Paul
Younger folks like him, but his mostly libertarian message isn't getting the traction it did when his father, Ron, ran in 2012.  Interestingly, he can partly thank Bernie Sanders for that.

Marco Rubio
Youth, intelligence, ethnicity, and likability are in his favor.  He could win the nomination, but if he goes too far to the right to do it (a la Mitt Romney), he’ll have a hard time being elected president.

Donald Trump
He’s the Frankenstein’s monster created by the Tea-Party Republicans, and now they can’t control him.  I still predict he’ll eventually ruin his reputation(?) along with the Republicans’ chances of winning.

Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum
Thanks for visiting Iowa!  Now go home, and stop trying to make a career out of running for president.

More April Fools

It's April Fools' Day again today, another chance to expand on last year's list of facts that should be followed by the phrase, "April Fools!" if only they weren't true:

* The state of Indiana thought it could allow businesses to discriminate against gays without anyone noticing.

* Stories about suffering pets commonly air before stories about suffering people on broadcast news.

* Ted Cruz thinks he is a viable presidential candidate.

* You can stockpile and use guns and alcohol, but will be thrown in jail for owning an ounce of cannabis.

* The NCAA makes billions of dollars annually on the backs of its institutions' revenue-producing athletes, but opposes sharing any of that revenue with those athletes.

* Farm Bureau believes farmers will sufficiently police themselves to keep ground water clean.

* Most people base their current moral beliefs on undocumented, male-only writings from thousands of years ago.

Still More Unthankfulness

It's time for the 5th annual edition of my Thanksgiving-time list of things for which I am not thankful. You can get to the trail of prior lists here.

As usual, this list is in no particular order:

Sub-zero weather in November.

Iowa allowing smoking in its casinos, when it's banned everywhere else.

Government shutdowns.

Parents who don't hold their children accountable.

The botched heathcare.gov website.

Humble-braggers.

Bad football played by the teams for which I am a fan.

Ted Cruz.

Twerking.

Those still in denial about social movements that are irreversible (e.g. gay marriage, marijuana legalization).

Anyone who cares more about what I do, than they care about what they do.

Cruzin'

It's been a while since I've inducted anyone into the Whacked Out In The Head (WOITH) club.

First a quick review of current members:

Politicians:
Steve King
Bob Vander Plaats
Glen Massie
Kim Pearson
Kent Sorenson
Michele Bachmann
Brad Zaun

Non-politicians:
Charlie Sheen

Anyone with a reality show on MTV
Jerry Sandusky

The entire Kardashian family

The guy down my street who put a $60,000 house on a $30,000 lot (Honorary Member)

I am now compelled to add another politician, someone who's been begging for membership since he joined the U.S. Senate less than a year ago.

In just that short of a time, he's single-handedly shut down the government with unsupportable grandstanding political tactics, and tried to make everyone believe he's a hero for doing it.  He's also alienated members of his own political party for not being compromising enough, while simultaneously making the other political party look better for not compromising.

But what really put him over the top was being in Iowa (again) this weekend for a speech, then going pheasant hunting with original WOITH member Steve King.  As we've seen before, whenever two or more WOITH members are together, the country ultimately laughs and does the opposite of what they want.

Welcome, Texan Ted Cruz, who's so far to the right on the political spectrum he's off the map.