Cruzin'

It's been a while since I've inducted anyone into the Whacked Out In The Head (WOITH) club.

First a quick review of current members:

Politicians:
Steve King
Bob Vander Plaats
Glen Massie
Kim Pearson
Kent Sorenson
Michele Bachmann
Brad Zaun

Non-politicians:
Charlie Sheen

Anyone with a reality show on MTV
Jerry Sandusky

The entire Kardashian family

The guy down my street who put a $60,000 house on a $30,000 lot (Honorary Member)

I am now compelled to add another politician, someone who's been begging for membership since he joined the U.S. Senate less than a year ago.

In just that short of a time, he's single-handedly shut down the government with unsupportable grandstanding political tactics, and tried to make everyone believe he's a hero for doing it.  He's also alienated members of his own political party for not being compromising enough, while simultaneously making the other political party look better for not compromising.

But what really put him over the top was being in Iowa (again) this weekend for a speech, then going pheasant hunting with original WOITH member Steve King.  As we've seen before, whenever two or more WOITH members are together, the country ultimately laughs and does the opposite of what they want.

Welcome, Texan Ted Cruz, who's so far to the right on the political spectrum he's off the map.

Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pita Place

You can't make this stuff up.  You can only satirize it once it really happens.  Thank you to my favorite alien-politicians.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-september-11-2013/two-guys--a-girl-and-a-pita-place

We Can't All Be Valedictorians

Posting links isn't blogging, but in this case it's just too easy.

Steve King does it again!

Michele Bachmann has always done it!

All That Lying Got You Nowhere

I can't let this week pass without a tribute to U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, an always reliable member of the WOITH club.  This week, she released a web video announcement about how she isn't going to run for re-election.

Mixed feelings about this.  On one hand, it's good to get people with extremist views out of government.  On the other hand, I'm going to miss how much her dumb comments damaged others who shared her views.

This article from PolitiFact pretty well sums up her fundamental intellectual dishonesty.  In the larger sense, it reflects how the so-called Tea Party has devolved from a grassroots taxpayer watchdog group, into an extreme right-wing group with no chance of gaining a serious mainstream following.

But at least for a while, she won't go away yet in Iowa, where her pitiful 2012 presidential campaign and campaign manager have serious legal problems, related to how they handled their funds and their affairs.

Plus, it's only a matter of time before she becomes a Fox News commentator and/or lobbyist.  That's sure to keep us entertained for a while.

In the meantime, to U.S. Rep. Steve King, you're up!

Literally, It's Figuratively Hyperbole

There's a famous scene in the movie The Godfather, Part III where Don Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) laments not being able to operate his 'business' empire more legitimately by saying, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Enter this week's latest Whacked Out In The Head moment from Michele Bachmann, who had gone quite some time without making national news for saying something stupid.  Just when I thought she was out, she pulled me back in with this quote, from a speech on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives about repealing Obamacare:

"That's why we're here.  Because we're saying, let's repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens."

Literally?  So she believes that a law/regulation, basically words on paper, will somehow animate and act to take a life.  Either she is very stupid about what inanimate objects can do, or very stupid about the definition of the word 'literally'.  (I say both.)

Makes me wonder why extreme conservatives like her even bother with the old, "Guns don't kill people" routine.  Guns literally can kill people, but if paper can do it too, we ought not be wasting time worrying about guns!

The sad thing is, the content of Bachmann's statement is already dumb enough.  How much more time will conservatives like her waste on repealing Obamacare?  Congress passed it, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld it, and voters re-elected the president responsible for it.  But she insisted on going the extra mile to expose herself as being stupid beyond the regular dumb, and used the word 'literally' where it made no sense.

Unfortunately, the incorrect and overuse of the word 'literally' these days is almost offensive.  I frequently correct both family members and strangers on how they use it.  These days, people commonly use it to intensify what they're saying, as opposed to actually using it properly.  In other words, it's being used as hyperbole.  Literally.

So thank you, Michele Bachmann, for allowing me to write about the misuse of the English language, while at the same time ridiculing you again.  Good to have you back.  Figuratively.

About That Presidential Election.....

Many years ago I attended a meeting where an economist was the keynote speaker. His opening line was, "I'm not a member of a major political party.  I'm a Republican."

Never has that line cut deeper than this week.  After all of the campaigning, the SuperPAC money, the advertisements, the blustery predictions, etc., the Rs have gone in reverse.

Their presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, seemed like he was qualified enough to be president.  Certainly qualified enough to defeat an economically-weakened Barack Obama.  So how did this happen?  Let a lifetime independent voter tell you.

If you listen to the Rs, they've got all sorts of reasons why they lost the presidency plus some senate seats.  The only correct reason is that the Rs don't have a big enough tent.  It's comprised of a declining base - whites, males, married females, social conservatives, and, um, that's about it.

Look at America.  It's becoming less white, less dependent female, less socially conservative.  Rs have to start appealing to those constituencies, or at least stop pissing them off.

But what are the conservative pundits framing as their next strategy?  To go even farther right!  They seem to believe that if they simply do a better job promoting their anti-secular, anti-immigration, anti-environment ideals, that we 'moderates' will be more likely to join them.

So, the Rs analysis of the problem is correct, but their solution is exactly wrong.  They think we independent voters don't understand them?  The problem is we understand them perfectly, and we don't like it.  Newsflash to Rs: We aren't going to like more of what we already don't like.

The crazy thing is, the Rs really weren't/aren't so far away from taking power.  Most independent voters are like America - socially liberal, but still fiscally conservative.  If the Rs would spend more time on the fiscally conservative message, and a lot less on the social issues, they'd be fine.

[This is a good time to note and give kudos to the states of Colorado and Washington for legalizing marijuana.  Talk about your trending social liberalism.  By the way folks, it's no big deal - they already have legalized alcohol, a more abusive and dangerous drug.  More about this in a future blog.]

There is plenty to dislike about the other non-major political party, a/k/a Democrats. As an independent, I think they're wrong on union support, wrong on expanded government, wrong on tax policy.  I matured (such as it is) in the 80s, during the Reagan revolution, and I actually believe in supply-side economics.

To a political independent like me, however, the other stuff matters more now.  It's encouraging to see WOITH politicians like Michele Bachmann, Steve King, and especially Bob Vander Plaats struggle so much (and in the latter case, outright lose) this election cycle.  Their message of hate, masquerading as social conservatism, has become the  millstone around their necks.

If they and the rest of the Rs want to appeal to today's independent voter, they need to go farther left, not farther right.

The Liars Club

As we enter the heart of election season in presidential election year, so do we enter a time when the rhetoric is at an all-time high.  If only it was just rhetoric.

These days, we don't have rhetoric, which would be fairly defined as persuasive but insincere speech.  Instead, we have intellectual dishonesty, which I would define as a failure to apply a rational standards that one is fully aware of.

(Yes, I got those definitions with the help of the internet, defined as a place from which you can get information to help prove your point.  Also, don't confuse these terms with another one of my favorites, 'truthiness', coined by Stephen Colbert as something people claim to know intuitively because it feels right, in the gut, without regard to the facts.)

Intellectual dishonesty is what political campaigners (and most people) engage in these days.  It's when a person knows but ignores the facts, and says or does something contrary to those facts in an attempt to convince people otherwise.  Let me use it in a sentence: "Every word that comes out of Michele Bachmann's mouth has the smell of intellectually dishonesty."

While this kind of thing obviously happens in politics, but just think about the day-to-day applications.  What workplace doesn't have one or more employees who aren't as sharp as their co-workers, but tries to cover up their shortcomings by skewing the truth, and parsing the blame onto others?  And don't get me started on the so-called 'financial advisors' who spend their days selling products to people who don't need them, in order to get a big commission.

Intellectual dishonesty is the same as lying, and it is currently pervasive in our society.

These People Are Not Well

It's past time to add a few new members to my list of people who are Whacked Out In The Head (WOITH).

I haven't even mentioned this acronym for over six months, the last time when I was handicapping the field of Republican presidential nominees.

Based on her campaign after I wrote that, I'm elevating Michele Bachmann to full WOITH status.  Just like WOITH members Steve King and Bob Vander Plaats, if you pulled back her skin I'm pretty certain there's an alien creature underneath.

I'm at least going to add a politician to the WOITH list while I'm on the topic. Hmmm, so many to choose from...Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is certainly deserving, but it has to be...my own State Senator, Brad Zaun.  Not only has he never met a social conservative issue he didn't like, but he also took on the duty of campaign manager for Bachmann when fellow WOITH member Kent Sorenson quit.  It couldn't be more perfectly symmetrical than that.

To save time, I'm just going to list my new WOITH members with no explanation.  If you don't know why they belong, I suggest you Google them:

Charlie Sheen (obvious and belated omission until now)

Jerry Sandusky

Anyone with a reality show on MTV

The entire Kardashian family

And as an honorary member, I also want to include the guy down my street who put a $60,000 house on a $30,000 lot.

A 2012 Candidate Guide

It's Election Day, circa 2011.  Not a whole lot to worry about nationally today, but a year from now - oh baby.

Now seems a good time for my independent (yes, there are still independents out there), Iowa-based analysis of the current serious (?) Republican candidates.  In no particular order:

Mitt Romney - Plasticman.  Backpedaling on his past in order to get the right-wing to nominate him.  He's probably going to get that nomination, and then start moving to the center again, while spending a bunch of time rationalizing how Romneycare is different than Obamacare.

Herman Cain - Doesn't really want to be president.  Just got in this thing for the attention and to sell his book, and didn't plan on the scrutiny. The only reason people are drawn to him is his 9-9-9 tax plan, which just proves in this economy, any idea, good or bad, is better than no idea at all.

Michele Bachmann - WOITH.  Less qualified to be president than Sarah Palin, by far, and that's no compliment.  In way over her head, but since she only talks to friendly crowds (and literally avoids those who might intellectually confront her - just Google 'bachmann grinnell college') she doesn't know it.

Ron Paul - The most independent, dare I say Liberitarian candidate, which makes him very likable.  Unfortunately, his ideas for swift and radical change would make things a lot worse before they could possible become better, and no one is going to vote for that.

Rick Santorum - Can't take his colorless form seriously, not to mention his last name.  (Google that, too.)

Rick Perry - Not ready for national prime-time politics, and maybe never will be.  Partly a victim of the Texas-governor-cowboy fatigue of the American public, and partly a victim of not understanding what is and isn't acceptable to blurt out when running a national campaign.

Jon Huntsman - Best of the bunch.  Moderate.  The only one who seems to understand the role of foreign policy in the U.S.  But his only hope is a John McCain-like, crazy come-from behind 3rd place or better in the Iowa caucuses, where he's not campaiging.  (Another reason to like him.)

Newt Gingrich - The Bill Clinton of the Republican Party.  Most intellectually ready to be president of the group, but also the most personally flawed - although Cain is giving him a run for his money.  Probably wishes he could have back some of what he said as Speaker of the House in the 90s.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Republican candidates for president.  A year from now I suspect they will all just be part of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's very large shadow.

Truth And Prevention

I haven't mentioned WOITH member and Iowa congressman (and possibly Martian) Steve King in a while, although I could do so virtually any day.

He and his Fox News friends are at it again, this time over the new Obama administration's stance that insurers cover contrceptives as preventative care.  A controversial position, but not exactly for the flat-earth reasoning of King.  Check out the clip from this week's The Colbert Report:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/393824/august-03-2011/women-s-health-nazi-plan

I especially enjoyed Colbert's remark that a woman's health is a private matter between..... her priest and her husband!  Satire is funnier when it's not so far from the truth.

While I'm at it, let me take this time to officially elevate his Tea Party mistress, Minnesota congressperson Michele Bachmann, to WOITH status. Her stance to not raise the U.S. debt ceiling is effectively saying it's better to have an international economic crisis than it is for the U.S. to pay the bills it has already incurred.

It's going to be fun having her around Iowa to campaign for president, telling everyone she would do the opposite of what Obama does without ever actually saying what she would do.

Bobby's Pledge (Part II)

Based on a segment in last night's show, I can only conclude that Stephen Colbert must be reading my blog.

http://caucuses.desmoinesregister.com/2011/07/13/stephen-colbert-weighs-in-on-iowa-marriage-pledge/

Bobby's Pledge

A quick update for you on WOITH member Bob Vander Plaats, who now calls himself the chief executive officer of something called the Family Leader.

Bobby's latest venture is to ask all presidential candidates to sign a pledge to affirm support of personal fidelity to his or her spouse, oppose any redefinition of marriage, and appoint “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, (as opposed to unfaithful constitutionalists, I presume). This so-called Marriage Pledge will be a requirement for future endorsement by the Family Leader. You know, because as the Family Leader goes, so goes America.

Michele Bachmann immediately signed the pledge, solidifying her position as an incredible social conservative suck-up in Tea Party clothing. (May be redundant to say that.) Or, she may also be compensating for something else, there's really no way of knowing.

It's important to point out that this pledge only covers FUTURE events. So if you cheated on your spouse in the past, it's OK to sign the pledge. Newt Gingrich must be sooooo relieved.

It's also worth noting that Bobby is asking for a pledge of allegiance to him and his organization, not to God. So, we now can officially confirm it - he thinks he's God.

How To Become A National Joke

As a regular viewer and Twitter follower of The Colbert Report, I see some of the best political satire there is to offer. Colbert and his writers regularly ridicule the self-importance of others in a genius way.

Nothing has been better than this week when Colbert took on Tyson Zone member Bob Vander Plaats. I saw this when it originally aired - it doesn't hurt that it starts with a few digs at Tea-Party goofball Michele Bachmann:

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/381487/april-12-2011/threat-level--rainbow

Congrats, Bob. You have now officially been upgraded from local joke to national joke.