Best Song Lyrics (Part XIV)

Often times when sitting in the quiet of my office, I turn to Pandora to help fill the silence with mello music.  I only have two current 'channels' set up:  Jimmy Buffett Radio, and Jackson Browne Radio.

Why Jackson Browne?  Because it gives me not only good music, but good lyrics.  Plus, on that channel I'll also get a lot of Eagles, a lot of Jim Croce, a lot of Dave Matthews Band, each of whom has already been mentioned in my Best Lyrics anthology.  (Little known fact:  Jackson Browne co-wrote Take It Easy, popularized by the Eagles.)

You probably need to be over 30 (40?) to appreciate Jackson Browne and what he's done for music.  The last half of his career he started to get more politically active, and it comes through in those lyrics.  Either way, he's just a fantastic performer and songwriter.

There are so many songs I could go with as an example - so I'll go with more than one.  First, check out the final verse of The Pretender:

I'm going to be a happy idiot
And struggle for the legal tender
Where the ads take aim and lay their claim
To the heart and the soul of the spender
And believe in whatever may lie
In those things that money can buy
Thought true love could have been a contender
Are you there?
Say a prayer for the Pretender
Who started out so young and strong
Only to surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I have to add this, from Rosie, with its beautiful, double-entendre chorus:

She was standing at the load-in

When the trucks rolled up

She was sniffing all around

Like a half grown female pup

She wasn't hard to talk to

Looked like she had nowhere to go

So I gave her my pass

So she could get in and see the show

Well I sat her down right next to me

And I got her a beer

While I mixed that sound on stage

So the band could hear

The more I watched her watch them play

The less I could think of to say

And when they walked off stage

The drummer swept that girl away

But Rosie you're all right - you wear my ring

When you hold me tight - Rosie that's my thing

When you turn out the light - I've got to hand it to me

Looks like it's me and you again tonight Rosie

Rocky Mountain High

My legions of followers must be going crazy wondering when I would write about Colorado's now-three-week-old law allowing sales of (and therefore possession and use of) recreational pot.

It's only one of the greatest legal developments of the past.....well.....how long ago did we repeal prohibition?

This is just the latest watershed moment in the movement toward granting marijuana the same treatment as alcohol in the U.S.  It will take more time, of course, there's still a long way to go.  Even in Colorado, there are still restrictions on quantity that can be purchased, and it can't be smoked in public.  (Really?)

But next year, the state of Washington will have the same law.  Then probably Oregon, then another state, then another, etc.  There's no putting this Genie back in the bottle, because Americans are going to realize what the rest of we more enlightened Americans have know for years:  Using regulated pot is no more dangerous - in fact, it's less dangerous - than alcohol.  Plus, states can collect taxes on it, and spending less on prisons because they can stop treating sellers and buyers like criminals.

Just consider the last few weeks since the law has been in place.  I don't live in Colorado, but I don't hear any national outcry about how this law is the road to hell.  We're going to collectively accept that it's OK, after all these years.  Maybe it's an apples to oranges comparison, but it seems a lot like the slow but inexorable march toward acceptance of same-sex marriage.

Cash Only

Iowa is a state where the modern does battle with the anachronistic on a daily basis.  There is no better example of this than the Iowa State Fair, where you see both designer clothes and bib overalls.  Where you see both major music acts and fiddlers on stage.  Where you see both presidential candidates and carnies.

But there is apparently one thing Iowans will not allow to be modernized, namely how they pay for their fair food.  Last week the state fair caused a furor by saying they were implementing a pay-by-ticket policy on food, where fair-goers would first have to purchase tickets for $.50, and then use them for their food purchases.

This is probably a thinly-veiled attempt by the fair to keep concession stands honest when reporting their food sales, from which the fair gets a cut.  It seemed benign enough though, right?  I mean, we've all been places where we exchange tickets rather than cash for food or beverages.  Plus, it would be safer for all those making night deposits of cash.

Instead, the blue-collar resistors of change that apparently are at the core of the Iowa State Fair rose up, and using social media (who knew?), they slayed the ticket dragon.  My goodness, stand in one line to get tickets before standing in another to get their fried-on-a-stick food?  Outrageous!

It didn't hurt that governor-for-life Terry Branstad weighed in that the fair should reconsider.  Like he ever goes to the fair and buys fair food with cash.  It also came out that the guv is on the state fair board, but never goes to the meetings.  Maybe he should at least start reading the meeting minutes.

So the fair is going back to the old (read: current) cash-for-food method.  The question is in 10 years, when we'll all be paying for things by debiting from our cell phones instead of cash or tickets, will the agents of non-change rise up again in the defense of anachronism?

Weathering The Weather

Check out this screenshot I took of the weather conditions in Des Moines on January 6, 2014:

Now, check out this screenshot I took of the weather conditions in Des Moines on August 30, 2013:

We love to talk about the weather in Iowa.  It starts virtually every conversation - it's crazy.  It's primarily because agriculture is our economic engine, and the weather has the biggest impact on agriculture.  (Well, that and government subsidies.)

But when you see weather extremes like this.....a 115 degree temperature change in a four month period, not to mention a 142 degree "wind chill to heat index" temperature change?  Even I think it's something worth discussing.

Here's what not to include in that conversation - that somehow the very cold temps mean global warming doesn't exist.  That's ignorant.  If anything, this is an argument that climate change (a more apt term to describe things) is in fact happening. Weather extremes support that, cold or hot.

2014

As with last year, let's review the things I said I'd like to see in 2013, with my new notes in ALL CAPS:

-Me take more time off.  A repeat.  Hoping it happens this time.
(I'M GOING TO STOP WRITING THIS ONE.)

-Compromise in the U.S. Congress.  After all, it's not an election year.
(NOT COUNTING THE ALLEGED DECEMBER BUDGET COMPROMISE, TEA PARTY REPUBLICANS TOOK US FARTHER FROM COMPROMISE, NOT CLOSER.)

-A reduction in U.S. government spending and subsidies
(SMALL REDUCTION OF WIND AND ETHANOL SPENDING, BUT THIS IS A FAIRY TALE.)

-Fewer reality TV shows starring hillbillys.
(COULD NOT HAVE GONE MORE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  THEY ARE MORE POPULAR THAN EVER.  JUST LOOK AT MY PREVIOUS POST.)

-Successful planning and execution of all family weddings.
(NAILED IT.)

-An end to the central U.S. drought.

(A LESSER DROUGHT IS NOT AN END TO THE DROUGHT - BUT FARMERS BROUGHT IN A RECORD CROP SO I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT MUCH ANYMORE.)

-The siding on my house to be repaired.
(GOT DONE IN OCTOBER, BUT ONLY THANKS TO MULTIPLE CALLS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.)

For 2014 I'd like to see:

The (continued) fall of the so-called Tea Party conservatives.

Less Kanye / Less Miley.

Apple TV.

NCAA basketball Sweet 16 trips for either Iowa and Iowa State.

Better football from the Cyclones and Vikings - the bar is incredibly low.

Warmer Spring weather, at least where it doesn't snow again in May.

More legalization of marijuana beyond what's happening in Colorado on 1/1/2014.

A la carte cable TV channels.  It's only a matter of time before cable providers will have to do this to compete with computer streaming.  Why not in 2014?

If It Walks Like A Duck.....

There are so many reality shows on TV these days, nobody could possibly watch them all.  I'll watch one or two, but I don't watch any that glorify the dumb hillbilly persona, such as Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Moonshiners, or everybody's current favorite, Duck Dynasty.

Today, Duck Dynasty is in trouble because the patriarchal member was openly quoted in GQ magazine saying some bad things about "homosexuals" and the gay lifestyle.  The show's network (A & E) is distancing itself from the comments, acting shocked (shocked! I tell you) that he would say such insensitive things. Conversely, the Duck Dynasty family and thousands of the show's fans are rallying around him, claiming he has a right to express his religious beliefs.

There are so many great things about this:

1) Screw A & E.  They struck gold by signing up and making famous a bunch of dumb Louisiana hillbillies, and they didn't consider that eventually, one or more of these idiots would say something insensitive?  They deserve all of the bad publicity they get, from both sides.

2) Screw the Duck Dynasty family.  They've had way beyond their 15 minutes of fame, and have been made rich by their stupidity.  Now the same thing that made them famous, their back-ways hillbilly-ness, is going to crucify them.  No one should feel sorry for them, and they probably don't want that from anyone, which leads me to.....

3) Screw the show's supportive fans.  No one would be complaining if this guy had simply said his religious beliefs did not support gay lifestyle, and that was his opinion.  But what he said in GQ (plus what has also been released on video from a church speech he gave) was completely mean-spirited and intolerant.  It's the real(ity) him, not the fake media version of him, and likely what the rest of the family believes.

At least one good thing might come from all of this - one less hillbilly reality TV show!

Performance Enhancing Post

A combination of illness and Christmastime business has conspired to keep me from blogging lately.  As an alternative, I'm going to post the text of a great recent column by sportswriter Rick Reilly on espn.com:

I'm so pumped up for next July in Cooperstown!

I can't wait to see who's going to be in the crowd at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony for new members Tony La Russa, Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.

Maybe Mark McGwire will show up?  It might be as close as he'll ever get.  La Russa managed him for 15 seasons in both Oakland and St. Louis and says he never saw McGwire do a single steroid.  Imagine that.

Maybe Alex Rodriguez will attend?  He probably won't get in, either.  Former New York Yankees skipper Torre says he didn't even notice A-Roid's alleged PED use in the four years he managed him.  A-Roid's got plenty of time to go to Cooperstown.  He's appealing a 211-game suspension for PEDs.  Torre?  No ban for him.  In fact, he's an executive vice president of Major League Baseball now.

Maybe former Atlanta Braves manager Cox will look out in the crowd to see his old star Gary Sheffield. Probably not.  Cox says he never saw all the PEDs Sheffield was taking when he had him right under his nose in the Atlanta clubhouse.

In all, the three managers being inducted oversaw at least 34 players who've been implicated as PED users and never noticed a thing wrong.

You could build a wing with the admitted and suspected drug cheats they won with:  A-Rod, Roger Clemens (Torre), Jason Giambi (Torre and La Russa), McGwire, Jose Canseco (La Russa), Melky Cabrera (Torre and Cox), David Justice (Torre and Cox), Andy Pettite (Torre), Manny Ramirez (Torre with the Dodgers) and Sheffield (Torre and Cox.)

If we get really lucky, maybe disgraced HGH pitcher Darren Holmes will show up. He played under all three of them!

It's just another year in the Hall of Farce, where the codes of conduct shift like beach sand; where the rules for one set of men are ignored for another; where PED poppers can never enter, but the men who turned their backs to the cheating get gleaming, bronze plaques.

Hail The Great Enablers!

La Russa's slipping on the Hall of Fame jersey Monday is the sight that really tested my gag reflex.  He did more for juicers than Jack LaLanne.  He managed McGwire and Canseco -- the Wright Brothers of the Druggie Era -- for 21 combined seasons.  He made millions on their pimpled backs, won his first World Series title on their syringes and built his 33-year managing career on their artificially carved biceps.

Under La Russa, the Oakland clubhouse became a kind of leather-upholstered showroom for creams, rubs and injections that allowed players to work out harder, recover quicker and attack the game like a wolf in a hen house.  It didn't change much in St. Louis, either, where he says he didn't notice what McGwire, Troy Glaus, Fernando Vina and Ryan Franklin were doing.

He spent eight hours a day around these guys, eight months a year, and yet he never saw a thing.  Maybe he dressed in a different clubhouse?

But he goes into the HOF and those players never will.  Maybe he can send them some Instagrams.

Hey, you think any of the three skips will mention how PEDS helped them get to that sunny afternoon in Cooperstown?

Oh, and I can't forget to thank Katalina at Tijuana Pharmacy for all her help. Like my players always said, "We can't get cut without Kat!"

You won't even have to be in Cooperstown to smell the hypocrisy.  Even the faintest scent of a rumor of PED use is enough to sink a player now.

Managers?  Odorless.

Take Houston Astros great Craig Biggio. He had more than enough career to get in, and even though there isn't a stitch of evidence against him, the writers have kept him out because they have a niggling hunch he might've used.

Remember, kids:  If you play the game under even a single cloud of suspicion, you're out.  Manage it under one? Come on in and pull up a plaque!

Can you imagine this in any other sport?  Do you think for a second Johan Bruyneel, the manager of all of Lance Armstrong's cheating, champion Tour de France teams, didn't know what was going on?  You figure Bonnie and Clyde's driver just thought they were always running late?

Next month, the writers are expected to vote down McGwire for the eighth time and Clemens for the second time.  They're right to do it.  Those guys are tainted beyond any reasonable doubt, though Clemens still maintains innocence.  But for the expansion error committee to let these three managers in -- unanimously, no less -- after winning hundreds of games with better chemistry is the gold standard of double standards.

If you believe they didn't know, then you'll fit perfectly in Dupers Town.