A Good Use Of Twitter (Redux)

Not quite three years ago, I blogged about using Twitter to share jokes, and listed a few of them.  I consider this one of the best uses for Twitter, at least as good as passing along information, and far better than the bullying, narcissistic activity for which most use it (including a certain president).

I follow several comedians / writers on Twitter, and I love to read short, smart jokes.  It works a bit better now that Twitter now allows 280 characters in stead of 140.  It's also fun to see professionals burn intellectually and ethically-challenged ideas and individuals (including a certain president).

The other day I came across a Twitter account that has archived their favorite jokes from what they considered the best Twitter jokers.  I had a great time laughing out loud to some of them, so similar to what I did in 2016, here are more of my favorites:

There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes, there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

The best part about being a walrus is probably never having to buy a staple remover.

Do you even know what condescending means?

I'll have a rum and coke

Is pepsi ok?

Whatever

*hands you a pepsi and a coke*

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

A Good Use Of Twitter

Several weeks ago, there was some media attention given to Twitter's tenth anniversary.  Some of that attention focused on the negatives of Twitter, namely that it makes some people believe they're more important than they really are.  (I'm looking at you, B-list celebrities and athletes.)

However, one article I read was someone's list of the 100 funniest jokes in the history of Twitter.  It seems odd, but while some jokes are funny when spoken, others only work in print.  The latter is one of the best things about Twitter, and it's made even better by the fact they have to work in 140 characters or less.  The joke has to be short, therefore, it has to be smart.

Here are a few of my favorites from that list of 100, most of which would only work in print:

Most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like

[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"

"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

-The name's Bond. James Bond.
-I've written Bond now.
-Oh. Can you change it or is it too late?
-When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond

I put the "baller" in "I just ruined my daughter's ballerina recital."

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

(•_•) (•_•)
<) )╯ ALAS
/ \

(•_•)
\(•_•)
( (> POOR
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> YORICK
/ \ (•_•)

Read More Dave Barry

I don't read as many books as I should, but when I do, I stick with non-fiction things related to history or finance or humor.  In the latter category, my favorite humorist has always been Dave Barry.  In the 80s and 90s, Barry wrote a hilarious, weekly syndicated column for the Miami Herald, which I always read because it was printed by the Des Moines Register.  At the same time, he authored many humor books that I read, some original and some a collection of his Miami Herald columns or essays.

Unfortunately, Barry dropped off my map in the late 90s when he gave up his weekly column, at which time he continued to write a variety of fictional books.  In the past several years, he's been using social media more, and gone back to writing more non-fiction again.  He's published a new humor book in each of the past two years.

With that as background, I recently took his newer books with me on a trip, and it was just like old times.  It is very, very hard to write in a way that's laugh-out-loud funny, but Barry and his books will do it.  It's impossible to fully describe his observational writing style, but he gets help from his "many alert readers" who send him crazy newspaper stories.  Among his favorite topics are exploding or flaming items (including cows, toilets, Pop-Tarts, and Barbie dolls), and the emotional differences between men and women.

He also has a few common sayings.  For example, when distinguishing fact from hyperbole, Barry frequently asserts, "I am not making this up."  Also, "would be a good name for a rock band" is a statement Barry often applies to certain phrases.  (This reminds me of a softball team I once coached, where the first name had to be a color and the nickname was an action.  Our team drew the name 'Purple Riot' which I immediately said would be a good name for a rock band.)

If you have a chance, and you want a good laugh, read more Dave Barry!