Among the great mysteries of our day is, how come I've never been invited to give a commencement address? I think I'd be very good at it.
Alas, it appears this will remain on my bucket list for another year. In the meantime, what follows is an excerpt from a commencement speech given by Stephen Colbert to Knox College in 2006. I couldn't have said it better myself, and besides, I didn't need to:
Today is about you — you who have worked so hard to pack your heads with learning until your skulls are all plump like a sausage of knowledge. It's an apt metaphor, don't question it. But now your time at college is at an end. Now you are leaving here. And this leads me to a question that just isn't asked enough at commencements. Why are you leaving here?
This seems like a very nice place. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club.
There are so many challenges facing this next generation, and I don't know if you're tough enough to handle this. You are the most coddled generation in history. I belong to the last generation that did not have to be in a car seat. You had to be in car seats. I did not have to wear a helmet when I rode my bike. You do. You have to wear helmets when you go swimming, right? In case you bump your head against the side of the pool?
But you seem nice enough, so I'll try to give you some advice. First of all, when you go to apply for your first job, don't wear those robes. Medieval garb does not instill confidence in future employers — unless you're applying to be a scrivener.
And if someone does offer you a job, say yes. You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.
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