A Good Use Of Twitter

Several weeks ago, there was some media attention given to Twitter's tenth anniversary.  Some of that attention focused on the negatives of Twitter, namely that it makes some people believe they're more important than they really are.  (I'm looking at you, B-list celebrities and athletes.)

However, one article I read was someone's list of the 100 funniest jokes in the history of Twitter.  It seems odd, but while some jokes are funny when spoken, others only work in print.  The latter is one of the best things about Twitter, and it's made even better by the fact they have to work in 140 characters or less.  The joke has to be short, therefore, it has to be smart.

Here are a few of my favorites from that list of 100, most of which would only work in print:

Most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like

[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"

"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

-The name's Bond. James Bond.
-I've written Bond now.
-Oh. Can you change it or is it too late?
-When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond

I put the "baller" in "I just ruined my daughter's ballerina recital."

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

(•_•) (•_•)
<) )╯ ALAS
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( (> POOR
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(•_•)
<) )> YORICK
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