More on her life later. When my dad passed away not quite four years ago, I made some observations about the overall funeral experience. All of those observations held true again with my mom's passing, but now I have more to add:
Unlike for my dad, I had a chance to preview my mom's obituary and suggest changes. While I did provide my two cents worth, we should have been more focused on adding a sentence that any memorials be made to one or more designated charities. I'm not sure why that wasn't done, but anyone who's ever had to later help sort out the flowers and wind chimes and cash (for Catholic mass intentions) should know it's needed. There are better ways for others to help leave a legacy.
I have new respect for the embalming skills of funeral home staff. Toward the end of her life, a variety of afflictions had turned my mom's body into a hand-clenched, hunched-over state. But in the casket, she appeared straight and calm. Having said that, the better way to go about a burial is still cremains, eliminating the unnecessary and ridiculous cost of caskets and vaults.
The burial service at the cemetery was unique, at least for me. This time we were not asked if we wanted to stay to watch the casket / vault lowered into the ground. I didn't need to see it, but I'd never seen it done before, and I paid attention to how it was accomplished. My main takeaway was that there was a lot of pressure on the funeral directors, because there were a lot of things to move around, and so much could have gone wrong with a lot of mourners watching.
There were too many 'goodbye' moments for me before, during, and after the funeral. I said goodbye to my mom before she died (on more than one occasion) when she was facing imminent death. Then our family said goodbye to my mom's body before the service when the casket was closed, then again during the service at the final blessing, and then again at the end of the service when the casket was lowered. Then later, we had to start saying goodbye to relatives and friends who had attended. These final salutations all come at a small emotional cost. I would have preferred not to say goodbye that many times in such a short period, especially to the dead.
As with my father's death, I've been very contemplative about my mom's life, and how she spent it. I certainly don't want to dwell on the past couple of years, which she basically spent losing motor function, and dying inch by inch in a nursing home. And I kind of hate that most of my memories of her relate to taking care of her spouse's and children's domestic needs, even in retirement.
In the end, though, her family's happiness was her happiness. So I've concentrated on that, and the fact that she no longer needs to be concerned about others' welfare, or by the limitations of her own body. I'm going to miss Mom, but I will always carry a piece of her and Dad with me.
